Dear George,
Lately I have been spending a lot of time on YouTube. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. :-)
I found this song, from the musical Wicked, that has really spoken to me. I wanted to share it with you. Normally I wouldn't quote someone else's stuff to you, but this is important.
It goes like this -
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
George, I don't think about it often enough, I don't think I'm grateful enough. But this done has reminded me of how different things would have been if people hadn't been brought into my life.
Years ago, I was soooo unhappy. And yes, I know that sometimes I complain now, but I think that's mostly because I like to complain. Where I was years ago was so far away from where I am now there's no comparison.
Years ago, I was alone. I was so unhappy, and lonesome, and miserable. All I wanted was to return to Heavenly Father as quickly as possible. Somehow I knew He could make it all better.
It was so bad that I worked out a plan and everything. I just never picked a day. Back then I wasn't sure if killing myself would make my final act a sin and condemn me to hell. I was afraid I would be trading one short lifetime of unhappiness for an eternity of misery away from Heavenly Father.
And then things started happening, and at the time I didn't recognize God's hand in it. I wish I had though, because looking back on it I am amazed at the things He did for me. At the people who came into my life. I wish I would have been aware of all the changes and lifelines He gave me as they were happening. But then again maybe it's better I didn't know. I'm not the bravest person, it might have freaked me out!
There wasn't one person who changed everything. But everything did change, because He intervened.
From a kitten that needed to be loved when I needed someone to love and take my mind off myself.
To an old friend who came back into my life and exposed me to the Gospel.
To the missionaries who met with me week in and week out, who never complained even though I KNEW the Church was true but I was too afraid to DO anything about it for months. Who ran out of lessons and regular movies and so we watched Johnny Lingo. Who never knew that Johnny Lingo probably had a lot to do with me finally agreeing to be baptized because i started to understand what being a daughter of God could be like.
To the Church family who let us meet in their house every week, even though they must have been very busy with their own lives.
To the older lady who loaned me her Temple dress to be baptized in cause I thought I'd look ridiculous in the jumpsuit because I didn't know that EVERYONE wore the jumpsuits, but she never said a word and I felt pretty at my baptism.
To the Relief Society president who spoke with me in the changing room before the baptism and I don't remember what she said but I know it made me feel so loved, accepted, and that she was so proud of me. And we talked for so long my friend come in and said it sounded like we were singing from the other room and it was odd for us to be singing in the bathroom.
To the missionary who was standing waist deep in the water and he held out his hand to help me down the stairs and into my new life. Who averted his eyes when my skirt accidentally floated for a second.
To the Bishop and the other men who gave me the Gift of the Holy Ghost and didn't say one word about my transparent top over a undershirt with spaghetti straps because they knew I didn't know any better modesty wise and they didn't want to embarrass me.
To all the men who taught me what being a gentleman was all about, who were patient with me when I constantly caused traffic jams in hallways and restaurants because I didn't expect them to let me walk first and they never expected anything else.
To people who decided they were my friends, and didn't let me drop off the face of the planet when I tried to go inscribe.
To the missionaries, multiple sets of them, who were my friends when I didn't know I needed them. Who reminded me where I belonged and why. Who loved me, when no one asked them to and they didn't have to.
To my friend who was looking into the Church and asked sooo many questions it made me examine my own faith to figure out how to put into words what I believe and why.
To the Bishop who loves me, even though I told him the worst thing I have ever done. Who looked at me while I was telling him and still saw someone he loved. Who was proud of me when I was anything but proud of myself. Who saw my potential and gave me guidance and a calling to grow in. Who believed it and made me believe it when he said "you're going to make it."
To my old boss, who put up with me for years so I could grow and learn to be a better person. Who brought a little of the Church with him to work, who said it was his job not only to help grow the company but also to help grow us as people. Who, when it was time for me to go, let me go with dignity and genuine caring. Who was really happy for me when I found my new job.
To my parents, who didn't sign up to parent a depressed, lying, cheating stubborn daughter for 25 years only to have her join a "cult." who were understanding enough in the end to realize what that "cult" had done for that daughter, in making her a happy, honest, still stubborn daughter of almost 30. Who still didn't understand why she needed to convert to change, but accepted it, and loved her anyways.
All of these people, and so many more I don't even know about or remember. All of these people changed me because I knew them.
My life before was that brook running through the woods, only it was heading running through deep dark places heading for the edge of a cliff. And then like the song says, I met a boulder, or a few boulders, and they changed my course.
That didn't mean I left the darkness all at once. But years later looking back on it I know I left it behind, I know I have been changed because I knew those people. And like the song says later, I do believe I have been changed for good.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Hiking and bird...listening?
Dear George,
So last week one of my best friends in the whole world dragged me out of the house at the crack of dawn to go "hiking". I don't know if you know this George, but I live in the middle of a big city (well the suburbs anyways). JW must have looked a long time online to find us somewhere to hike. And even then it was about 45 minutes away. At the time I was like "WHY am I up this early??? Why am I battling rush hour traffic when I could still be in bed???"
I am soooo glad I did!
So we went to this Audubon center to hike. You haven't met JW but he and I are probably the worst candidates for bird watching ever created. We talk WAY too much. I had this thought while we were hiking that I was really glad we aren't soldiers or we didn't live back in the days when the commanches were still raiding in the area I live. Cause we made so much noise crashing around looking for birds it was ridiculous.
BUT it was the most wonderful morning. We talked, JW tried to strike off into the woods on "paths" that most of the time I couldn't see, I worried way too much about snakes (I think its still too cold for them), the day was absolutely perfect, sun shining, cool, breeze blowing. I told JW I had never climbed a tree, so he decided to find me one to climb. In my defense, in the neighborhood I grew up in they had cut down all the trees before they built the houses. So the only trees were baby ones in people's yards.
Did I mention JW can talk me into just about anything? He comes up with some crazy idea and I say no way I'm doing that and then somehow the next thing I know I'm doing it.
So we left the path, and we were following these tracks. At the time I didn't know what kind of tracks they were. About 3 inches across, with 3 toes. It didn't look like they had any claws or anything. But I was a little concerned we were following something that might eat us...I think it was actually a deer, we never saw it though. Anyways, JW found this tree that was at a slant, hanging out over a tiny creek. He said it was perfect. First we had to get across the creek. JW is a lanky 6.7, so he just stepped across. I, however am a rather round 5.3. Lol so he talked me into jumping over, and he would catch me. So I did, and he did. But it was funny cause I guess I hadn't realized what a girl I am!
So I climbed the tree, and JW stood underneath me like he was going to catch me if I fell. Which is rather silly cause if I fell I would want him to get out of the way so he didn't get hurt. Not for any unselfish reasons, but because SOMEONE needs to be able to go get help! But it was very sweet, he is such a gentleman.
So then we hiked some more, and talked some more. And we heard a woodpecker in a dead tree, but we looked and looked and we never saw it. We just heard it. Does it count as birdwatching if we don't actually see the birds??
And then this really cool thing happened. We were talking about a mutual friend who I am worried about and JW was like "we should pray about it." now George, you know I'm a convert to the Church, and even after 5-6 years I'm still uncomfortable with praying out loud anywhere but at Church or in my own home. The cool thing about JW? He's only been in the Church for less than a year. But he's so comfortable with things like that. So we sat on a bench in the middle of the woods and prayed together. It was amazing!
The whole morning felt like a vacation. And all of this happened before 11:30! Lol I had to be at work at 1, but I felt soooo good and recharged. It made my week!!
So we're doing it again on Friday. Somewhere different this time. And JW is bringing his new friend G, and I invited my friend, the one I'm worried about. She's the one I wrote about in a previous blog. I'm still not sure exactly what to do to help her, but I figure she could probably use a mini-vacation too.
-S
So last week one of my best friends in the whole world dragged me out of the house at the crack of dawn to go "hiking". I don't know if you know this George, but I live in the middle of a big city (well the suburbs anyways). JW must have looked a long time online to find us somewhere to hike. And even then it was about 45 minutes away. At the time I was like "WHY am I up this early??? Why am I battling rush hour traffic when I could still be in bed???"
I am soooo glad I did!
So we went to this Audubon center to hike. You haven't met JW but he and I are probably the worst candidates for bird watching ever created. We talk WAY too much. I had this thought while we were hiking that I was really glad we aren't soldiers or we didn't live back in the days when the commanches were still raiding in the area I live. Cause we made so much noise crashing around looking for birds it was ridiculous.
BUT it was the most wonderful morning. We talked, JW tried to strike off into the woods on "paths" that most of the time I couldn't see, I worried way too much about snakes (I think its still too cold for them), the day was absolutely perfect, sun shining, cool, breeze blowing. I told JW I had never climbed a tree, so he decided to find me one to climb. In my defense, in the neighborhood I grew up in they had cut down all the trees before they built the houses. So the only trees were baby ones in people's yards.
Did I mention JW can talk me into just about anything? He comes up with some crazy idea and I say no way I'm doing that and then somehow the next thing I know I'm doing it.
So we left the path, and we were following these tracks. At the time I didn't know what kind of tracks they were. About 3 inches across, with 3 toes. It didn't look like they had any claws or anything. But I was a little concerned we were following something that might eat us...I think it was actually a deer, we never saw it though. Anyways, JW found this tree that was at a slant, hanging out over a tiny creek. He said it was perfect. First we had to get across the creek. JW is a lanky 6.7, so he just stepped across. I, however am a rather round 5.3. Lol so he talked me into jumping over, and he would catch me. So I did, and he did. But it was funny cause I guess I hadn't realized what a girl I am!
So I climbed the tree, and JW stood underneath me like he was going to catch me if I fell. Which is rather silly cause if I fell I would want him to get out of the way so he didn't get hurt. Not for any unselfish reasons, but because SOMEONE needs to be able to go get help! But it was very sweet, he is such a gentleman.
So then we hiked some more, and talked some more. And we heard a woodpecker in a dead tree, but we looked and looked and we never saw it. We just heard it. Does it count as birdwatching if we don't actually see the birds??
And then this really cool thing happened. We were talking about a mutual friend who I am worried about and JW was like "we should pray about it." now George, you know I'm a convert to the Church, and even after 5-6 years I'm still uncomfortable with praying out loud anywhere but at Church or in my own home. The cool thing about JW? He's only been in the Church for less than a year. But he's so comfortable with things like that. So we sat on a bench in the middle of the woods and prayed together. It was amazing!
The whole morning felt like a vacation. And all of this happened before 11:30! Lol I had to be at work at 1, but I felt soooo good and recharged. It made my week!!
So we're doing it again on Friday. Somewhere different this time. And JW is bringing his new friend G, and I invited my friend, the one I'm worried about. She's the one I wrote about in a previous blog. I'm still not sure exactly what to do to help her, but I figure she could probably use a mini-vacation too.
-S
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Understanding
Dear George,
So there's this song I like by Miranda Lambert (I think it's by her, I'm terrible with remembering who sings what). I think it's called "a heart like mine" or something like that.
Anyways, the basic premise of the song is the singer is not a perfect person, and who is? But they think Heavenly Father and Jesus will understand. The lyric that bothers me goes something like -
I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine,
He healed the sick and cured the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine
So then in the verses the singer talks about things she does that other people might think are wrong. Tattoos, smoking, drinking, etc...but according to the chorus Jesus will understand all these things so it's ok. And He (or someone) will meet her at the pearly gates with "two long stemmed glasses" and make a toast to her coming home.
George, I'm totally not disputing that Jesus and Heavenly Father will understand her heart. I think they will because she's a child of God and he loves her. But understanding her and forgiving her actions are two very different things.
I have a friend I grew up with who introduced me to the Church. She is going through some terrible things now, her marriage has fallen apart (not really her fault, her husband seemingly was cheating on her since before they were married) and she is very unhappy. She used to be very active in the Church, and she was endowed.
I spoke to her about how I'm going to be endowed in May and I wanted her to be there. She told me she couldn't, that she has made choices that won't allow her to go to the Temple. To be honest, I knew this, but I was hoping she might start the repentance process and come back to where she belongs. She is soooo unhappy right now, she needs her community and the Spirit and to be reminded she's a daughter of God and He loves her.
She said she doesn't want to come back. I asked her if she wasn't worried about eternal consequences. Ok so that sounds terrible but I didn't ask her like that. We had a whole long conversation. And I asked her because I'M worried about eternal consequences for her. It would be horrible if she is this unhappy in this life, and then because of choices she has made she is unhappy in the next life. It sounds like I'm judging her, and maybe I am to a small extent. But mainly I am worried about her.
She basically told me what that song says. Only in her case it was more along the lines of Heavenly Father knows how much she's gone through and how much she's hurting and He'll understand and forgive her. That she doesn't need to change or go through the repentance process. And I'm not sure but I think she doesn't feel bad or whatever for the choices she has made. She feels they were...maybe necessary, and excusable.
I love her, and I KNOW Heavenly Father loves her. But I think if we make choices that lead us to sin, Heavenly Father has two options. Either we take the gift we were given in the atonement and repent and become clean, or we are subject to justice, without mercy. I KNOW that Heavenly Father wants each of us to return to Him, but we all have to use the atonement to get there.
This whole thing is a dangerous idea the world has right now that just because Heavenly Father loves us, and understands our hearts and minds, that he will justify any action we take based on that understanding.
My friend saved my life by introducing me to the Church (literally saved my life, but that's a story for another day). How can I help her now? Without alienating her or making it seem like I'm judging her? How can I show her I LOVE her and she seems to be lost and I wouldn't bother her about her choices if I didn't care about her?
I don't know how George. Any ideas?
-S
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So there's this song I like by Miranda Lambert (I think it's by her, I'm terrible with remembering who sings what). I think it's called "a heart like mine" or something like that.
Anyways, the basic premise of the song is the singer is not a perfect person, and who is? But they think Heavenly Father and Jesus will understand. The lyric that bothers me goes something like -
I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine,
He healed the sick and cured the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine
So then in the verses the singer talks about things she does that other people might think are wrong. Tattoos, smoking, drinking, etc...but according to the chorus Jesus will understand all these things so it's ok. And He (or someone) will meet her at the pearly gates with "two long stemmed glasses" and make a toast to her coming home.
George, I'm totally not disputing that Jesus and Heavenly Father will understand her heart. I think they will because she's a child of God and he loves her. But understanding her and forgiving her actions are two very different things.
I have a friend I grew up with who introduced me to the Church. She is going through some terrible things now, her marriage has fallen apart (not really her fault, her husband seemingly was cheating on her since before they were married) and she is very unhappy. She used to be very active in the Church, and she was endowed.
I spoke to her about how I'm going to be endowed in May and I wanted her to be there. She told me she couldn't, that she has made choices that won't allow her to go to the Temple. To be honest, I knew this, but I was hoping she might start the repentance process and come back to where she belongs. She is soooo unhappy right now, she needs her community and the Spirit and to be reminded she's a daughter of God and He loves her.
She said she doesn't want to come back. I asked her if she wasn't worried about eternal consequences. Ok so that sounds terrible but I didn't ask her like that. We had a whole long conversation. And I asked her because I'M worried about eternal consequences for her. It would be horrible if she is this unhappy in this life, and then because of choices she has made she is unhappy in the next life. It sounds like I'm judging her, and maybe I am to a small extent. But mainly I am worried about her.
She basically told me what that song says. Only in her case it was more along the lines of Heavenly Father knows how much she's gone through and how much she's hurting and He'll understand and forgive her. That she doesn't need to change or go through the repentance process. And I'm not sure but I think she doesn't feel bad or whatever for the choices she has made. She feels they were...maybe necessary, and excusable.
I love her, and I KNOW Heavenly Father loves her. But I think if we make choices that lead us to sin, Heavenly Father has two options. Either we take the gift we were given in the atonement and repent and become clean, or we are subject to justice, without mercy. I KNOW that Heavenly Father wants each of us to return to Him, but we all have to use the atonement to get there.
This whole thing is a dangerous idea the world has right now that just because Heavenly Father loves us, and understands our hearts and minds, that he will justify any action we take based on that understanding.
My friend saved my life by introducing me to the Church (literally saved my life, but that's a story for another day). How can I help her now? Without alienating her or making it seem like I'm judging her? How can I show her I LOVE her and she seems to be lost and I wouldn't bother her about her choices if I didn't care about her?
I don't know how George. Any ideas?
-S
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)