Dear George,
I think I'm in love with my best friend. And I think he doesn't love me back, not like that.
I'm not sure what I should do. Should I stop spending time with him? Because this is like a slow motion train crash, I can see the pain coming. So if I stop spending time with him then maybe I won't be more attached to him than I am now. So maybe it will hurt less.
I talked to my friend RH about it. She's the only one besides you that knows. She doesn't believe I am capable of not seeing him and talking to him. She said JW is a force. He is pure optimism and he makes the people around him happy, you just can't help it. She says I am addicted to that happiness, and she doesn't think I can do without it.
Maybe she's right. He is a force. And being with him makes me happy.
But what happens when he meets someone else? Can I pretend to be happy for him? Can I be her friend and watch them together without hurting about it?
I know I'm capable of doing that. But I don't know if I want to. I am not sure I have a choice though, I don't think I can stop being his friend. And if he found someone that makes him happy then I would learn to deal with it because he should be happy.
Truth is? I also wonder if I'm not taking my love for him as a friend and exaggerating it into something more because I'm lonesome. I do love him very much. But I am also very alone, in terms of dating someone (remind me to tell you about the guy I went out with last night...yeah...not good). So I am really hoping I am just mixed up and I'll put him back into the friend zone once I'm not so lonely.
Because I don't think I can deal with a hugely broken heart again. Not with JW. I wouldn't even be able to be mad at him, cause he hasn't done anything wrong!
Thanks for listening George, it helps.
-S
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Back in the saddle...sortof...
Dear George,
I'm really sleepy so I'm gonna be quick tonight. I went back to tae kwon do tonight for the first time in months. I forgot how much I love it.
There is something magic about moving your body through a form, it's like dancing, but better. It makes you concentrate on what each hand and foot and even finger is doing, their form and position in space. There isn't any room in your head to think about anything else, just where you are and the next move.
It gets even better when you add in a weapon. Then you concentrate not only on yourself but also the position of the weapon, how it changes, how you have to move to use it properly. And if that's not enough you also concentrate on where your imaginary opponent would be.
I think the thing I like the most George is that unlike dancing, with TKD it's just you. You're not thinking about a potential audience, or a dance partner, you're not wondering how you look and sortof trying to pose or move in an attractive way. It's just you in your head, moving through the forms. All you're thinking about is doing it correctly.
Of course when I get to a higher level there will be other things to think about, like sparring. Which is going to be fun. But tonight I feel really...I want to say zen. But that's from the wrong Asian country. So let's just say I think I'll sleep really well tonight.
G'night George.
S
I'm really sleepy so I'm gonna be quick tonight. I went back to tae kwon do tonight for the first time in months. I forgot how much I love it.
There is something magic about moving your body through a form, it's like dancing, but better. It makes you concentrate on what each hand and foot and even finger is doing, their form and position in space. There isn't any room in your head to think about anything else, just where you are and the next move.
It gets even better when you add in a weapon. Then you concentrate not only on yourself but also the position of the weapon, how it changes, how you have to move to use it properly. And if that's not enough you also concentrate on where your imaginary opponent would be.
I think the thing I like the most George is that unlike dancing, with TKD it's just you. You're not thinking about a potential audience, or a dance partner, you're not wondering how you look and sortof trying to pose or move in an attractive way. It's just you in your head, moving through the forms. All you're thinking about is doing it correctly.
Of course when I get to a higher level there will be other things to think about, like sparring. Which is going to be fun. But tonight I feel really...I want to say zen. But that's from the wrong Asian country. So let's just say I think I'll sleep really well tonight.
G'night George.
S
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Preparation
Dear George,
I went to church today for the first time in a few weeks. I don't know why I haven't been going, but I haven't gone since the last time I taught Relief Society.
I missed it, the spirit and the people. And I think they missed me.
I met with the Bishop today, he wanted to check on me I think. While I was there I talked to him about my lesson for next week. It's on the fact that families can be together forever, and I wanted his advice on how to make it relevant to a room full of single sisters.
He said the most important thing for our ward is not to focus on which guy or girl is our eternal companion, but instead to make sure that we ourselves will make it to the Celestial Kingdom. He said finding an eternal companion does us no good if we don't make it to the Celestial Kingdom ourselves. So we should instead focus on preparing ourselves and the rest will fall into place.
The funny thing is this went right along with the lesson in Gospel Doctrine. It was on the parables of the 10 talents and the wise and foolish virgins. Basically that we should magnify the talents we have, and we should do everything we can to prepare for the coming of the Lord. That both the wise and the foolish virgins had faith that the bridegroom was coming, but the wise ones prepared themselves and so when He came they were ready.
Something someone said in the class really resonated with me. Someone said that many of us have as our ultimate goal to do the bare minimum to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. But we shouldn't just make it there, we should feel like we belong there once we get there. If we barely make it by the skin of our teeth, will we really feel like we belong?
I'm beginning to see (or being reminded when I forgot) that this is kind of like World of Warcraft. Lol, hear me out George. When you first start playing WoW, all you can think about is getting to the maximum level (when I started it was 70, then 80, now I hear it's 85). When you first start playing you feel like the ultimate thing is to get to the top level, that's the only goal you have. But there's a saying in WoW, "the game really begins at 70." or 80 or whatever.
Because in WoW, there is no "beating the game." Your whole focus shifts at max level, and the game you play becomes hugely more complicated and confusing and difficult. Many people make it to 80 and then don't or can't play the new game. So yes they're 80s, but just barely. They aren't really regarded by other max levels as serious or actual 80s, even though they made it to that level.
Back when I played, you didn't really "belong" unless you spent a LOT of time and effort preparing yourself. Learning how to play your character well both alone and also in large groups working together. Gathering the right materials, the right gear to be effective. Practicing your skills to become as proficient as possible. Only after you did these things, and proved yourself over time as a raider (or in the battlegrounds) did you really belong. Until then, you weren't really respected. If you wanted to join a raid, they might take you along with them if they couldn't find anyone else, but then again they might not. But if you prepared and got experience then you "belonged" on any raid you wanted to go on.
I thought I didn't learn much from the time I spent addicted to WoW, but sometimes it surprises me. I think that particular lesson applies not only to Church but also to life. You only really belong somewhere when you've prepared and put in the time and dedication.
I'm going to have to think about this some more. Night George.
S
P.s. I think JW has lost his phone again, it's going straight to voicemail. It's been a couple days and I'm a little concerned. Thinking about driving out to his place if I don't hear from him soon to make sure he's ok.
I went to church today for the first time in a few weeks. I don't know why I haven't been going, but I haven't gone since the last time I taught Relief Society.
I missed it, the spirit and the people. And I think they missed me.
I met with the Bishop today, he wanted to check on me I think. While I was there I talked to him about my lesson for next week. It's on the fact that families can be together forever, and I wanted his advice on how to make it relevant to a room full of single sisters.
He said the most important thing for our ward is not to focus on which guy or girl is our eternal companion, but instead to make sure that we ourselves will make it to the Celestial Kingdom. He said finding an eternal companion does us no good if we don't make it to the Celestial Kingdom ourselves. So we should instead focus on preparing ourselves and the rest will fall into place.
The funny thing is this went right along with the lesson in Gospel Doctrine. It was on the parables of the 10 talents and the wise and foolish virgins. Basically that we should magnify the talents we have, and we should do everything we can to prepare for the coming of the Lord. That both the wise and the foolish virgins had faith that the bridegroom was coming, but the wise ones prepared themselves and so when He came they were ready.
Something someone said in the class really resonated with me. Someone said that many of us have as our ultimate goal to do the bare minimum to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. But we shouldn't just make it there, we should feel like we belong there once we get there. If we barely make it by the skin of our teeth, will we really feel like we belong?
I'm beginning to see (or being reminded when I forgot) that this is kind of like World of Warcraft. Lol, hear me out George. When you first start playing WoW, all you can think about is getting to the maximum level (when I started it was 70, then 80, now I hear it's 85). When you first start playing you feel like the ultimate thing is to get to the top level, that's the only goal you have. But there's a saying in WoW, "the game really begins at 70." or 80 or whatever.
Because in WoW, there is no "beating the game." Your whole focus shifts at max level, and the game you play becomes hugely more complicated and confusing and difficult. Many people make it to 80 and then don't or can't play the new game. So yes they're 80s, but just barely. They aren't really regarded by other max levels as serious or actual 80s, even though they made it to that level.
Back when I played, you didn't really "belong" unless you spent a LOT of time and effort preparing yourself. Learning how to play your character well both alone and also in large groups working together. Gathering the right materials, the right gear to be effective. Practicing your skills to become as proficient as possible. Only after you did these things, and proved yourself over time as a raider (or in the battlegrounds) did you really belong. Until then, you weren't really respected. If you wanted to join a raid, they might take you along with them if they couldn't find anyone else, but then again they might not. But if you prepared and got experience then you "belonged" on any raid you wanted to go on.
I thought I didn't learn much from the time I spent addicted to WoW, but sometimes it surprises me. I think that particular lesson applies not only to Church but also to life. You only really belong somewhere when you've prepared and put in the time and dedication.
I'm going to have to think about this some more. Night George.
S
P.s. I think JW has lost his phone again, it's going straight to voicemail. It's been a couple days and I'm a little concerned. Thinking about driving out to his place if I don't hear from him soon to make sure he's ok.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Weird
Dear George,
I would just like to say that the sun is shining, it's hot outside, and the pool is calling my name, but I'm supposedly an adult, so I'm going to work.
I don't feel much like an adult George, but apparently I am. Who knew?
S
I would just like to say that the sun is shining, it's hot outside, and the pool is calling my name, but I'm supposedly an adult, so I'm going to work.
I don't feel much like an adult George, but apparently I am. Who knew?
S
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Err...chalk it up to lack of sleep?
Dear George,
So I owe you an apology. I haven't talked to you in forever and what do I do?? Vent like a crazy person at 4 in the morning. I'm sorry!
How are you? I hope you're doing something interesting. Me? Well I think I'm having a "I'm actually 30" midlife crisis, or whatever. Changing things around, my hair, my make up, nails are always done now etc... Oh! And I'm going to have lap band surgery in a couple months. I've decided, I deserve it, and I need the help. 30 years as the fat girl with the great personality is enough dues to pay, don't you think? Plus, i need to lose weight for health reasons, and for tae kwon do. And... between you and me I'm in love with my best friend. Or at least it FEELS like i'm in love with JW. Tbh, could just be a crush fueled by being lonely. But he is definitely not in love with me that way, and i'm sure part of it is he's not attracted to me. I don't expect having the lap band surgery to cause him to love me like that, but I'd like it if someone like him was attracted to me, you know? Most guys i attract are sort of...scrubs, i think is the word. Live at home in their mid to late twenties, work as waiters or in retail, no plans for school, no interest in bettering themselves etc... No passions, other than possibly video games. Grew up in the Church but can't really hold an intelligent discussion or debate about it. Either that, or i attract the extreme nerds, the ones so socially awkward its a little painful to be around them until they loosen up a little. I used to think i wanted a quiet guy, but after having JW as a friend i really want someone with an opinion, who isn't afraid to talk to someone he doesn't know. So extreme nerds are out. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not attracted at all to guys currently in my "league". JW would say that's dumb, that I can date whoever I want, etc etc... But he's either dead wrong or he's saying it to make me feel better. So I need to move up to a different league. I wanted to say "better" but that sounds terrible. So after years of dieting and failing, I'm going to have the surgery. I know I'll still have to diet, but I could use the help.
Other than that? My job is going great, I love the people I work with, even the ones I didn't get along with at first, and the work feels kind of like playing a video game. Customers give me a puzzle, i have to figure out what kind of puzzle it is, I have to figure out what actually happened not just what they say happened, even when they can't figure out how to describe it to me. I make decisions based on that, I have to figure out not only what THEY think they need but also what they REALLY need, then I have to figure out if what they want and what they need are possible within the law and the parameters of their contracts-which is NOT as easy as it sounds since different states handle things differently. I have to make sure everything is as fair as possible to everyone involved - even the people who aren't technically my customers. Then I plot a course to get from where they ended up back to where they should be, like all the steps that need to be taken. Then I go through the steps, as efficiently as possible, keeping in mind the steps could change as circumstances change.
Sometimes it's a little like being a detective, sometimes a therapist, sometimes a law clerk or something, accounts payable department, accounts receivable, mechanic, medical diagnostician, personal assistant, WOW raid healer (not main tank healer, that's too single minded, this is jumping from one task to another to another and applying just the right amount of force to keep them all going) and babysitter.
All while giving the best service to them I can, and making sure that every i is dotted and every t is crossed. No puzzle is ever the same, no customer reacts the same way. And while I work for them I also have to watch to make sure they're telling the truth, be on guard. I also have to be able to tell them no, while being as nice as possible. And I always, ALWAYS have to keep my cool, no matter what they are doing.
And I thought insurance was boring! It's a never ending video game with the sub plots of Law and Order and a soap opera. And that's just the customers!
I love the people I work with. In general, I have never worked with a nicer, friendlier, honest, more helpful, happier group of people in my whole life. It's like there's something in the water.
Of course everyone has a bad day every now and then, and there's bound to be a couple of surly people, but on the whole it's a great place to work.
I know this has been really long (again) and self absorbed, as usual, but if I can't be long winded and self absorbed with you George then who can I be that way with?
S
So I owe you an apology. I haven't talked to you in forever and what do I do?? Vent like a crazy person at 4 in the morning. I'm sorry!
How are you? I hope you're doing something interesting. Me? Well I think I'm having a "I'm actually 30" midlife crisis, or whatever. Changing things around, my hair, my make up, nails are always done now etc... Oh! And I'm going to have lap band surgery in a couple months. I've decided, I deserve it, and I need the help. 30 years as the fat girl with the great personality is enough dues to pay, don't you think? Plus, i need to lose weight for health reasons, and for tae kwon do. And... between you and me I'm in love with my best friend. Or at least it FEELS like i'm in love with JW. Tbh, could just be a crush fueled by being lonely. But he is definitely not in love with me that way, and i'm sure part of it is he's not attracted to me. I don't expect having the lap band surgery to cause him to love me like that, but I'd like it if someone like him was attracted to me, you know? Most guys i attract are sort of...scrubs, i think is the word. Live at home in their mid to late twenties, work as waiters or in retail, no plans for school, no interest in bettering themselves etc... No passions, other than possibly video games. Grew up in the Church but can't really hold an intelligent discussion or debate about it. Either that, or i attract the extreme nerds, the ones so socially awkward its a little painful to be around them until they loosen up a little. I used to think i wanted a quiet guy, but after having JW as a friend i really want someone with an opinion, who isn't afraid to talk to someone he doesn't know. So extreme nerds are out. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not attracted at all to guys currently in my "league". JW would say that's dumb, that I can date whoever I want, etc etc... But he's either dead wrong or he's saying it to make me feel better. So I need to move up to a different league. I wanted to say "better" but that sounds terrible. So after years of dieting and failing, I'm going to have the surgery. I know I'll still have to diet, but I could use the help.
Other than that? My job is going great, I love the people I work with, even the ones I didn't get along with at first, and the work feels kind of like playing a video game. Customers give me a puzzle, i have to figure out what kind of puzzle it is, I have to figure out what actually happened not just what they say happened, even when they can't figure out how to describe it to me. I make decisions based on that, I have to figure out not only what THEY think they need but also what they REALLY need, then I have to figure out if what they want and what they need are possible within the law and the parameters of their contracts-which is NOT as easy as it sounds since different states handle things differently. I have to make sure everything is as fair as possible to everyone involved - even the people who aren't technically my customers. Then I plot a course to get from where they ended up back to where they should be, like all the steps that need to be taken. Then I go through the steps, as efficiently as possible, keeping in mind the steps could change as circumstances change.
Sometimes it's a little like being a detective, sometimes a therapist, sometimes a law clerk or something, accounts payable department, accounts receivable, mechanic, medical diagnostician, personal assistant, WOW raid healer (not main tank healer, that's too single minded, this is jumping from one task to another to another and applying just the right amount of force to keep them all going) and babysitter.
All while giving the best service to them I can, and making sure that every i is dotted and every t is crossed. No puzzle is ever the same, no customer reacts the same way. And while I work for them I also have to watch to make sure they're telling the truth, be on guard. I also have to be able to tell them no, while being as nice as possible. And I always, ALWAYS have to keep my cool, no matter what they are doing.
And I thought insurance was boring! It's a never ending video game with the sub plots of Law and Order and a soap opera. And that's just the customers!
I love the people I work with. In general, I have never worked with a nicer, friendlier, honest, more helpful, happier group of people in my whole life. It's like there's something in the water.
Of course everyone has a bad day every now and then, and there's bound to be a couple of surly people, but on the whole it's a great place to work.
I know this has been really long (again) and self absorbed, as usual, but if I can't be long winded and self absorbed with you George then who can I be that way with?
S
Dear George,
I'm feeling really melodramatic today, and a bit lonely. Ok, more than a bit. So here's my cry to the world, and the next world, and Heavenly Father.
Where are you???
I am so tired of being alone. I know I talk to you about it a lot, but that's mainly because I can't talk to anyone else about it. I'm supposed to be "ok" with being single, right? I'm not supposed to feel this...sad, and afraid? I don't know what emotion it is. But I'm not supposed to feel it.
I'm supposed to smile and say I'm enjoying my single life, right?
That I enjoy watching all my friends get married, that I'm totally and completely happy for them and not the least bit jealous and thinking that I can't believe I didn't have a date for their wedding and I'm glad they asked me to help out cause otherwise I'd be sitting at a table full of people I'm NOT dating, or worse, sitting by myself.
I should never worry that I'm 30, and how many more years will I be able to have a baby? And i know when I was younger i said i wasn't sure i'd ever want to have kids, but i was young and stupid then and i changed my mind and i'm worried it might never happen now. That a small part of me that i don't usually talk about and try not to think about wonders if I jinxed myself.
I should never be a little angry (just a little) with Heavenly Father because I'm still alone. I should accept with total calmness and serenity and a smile that there are many things that go into bringing eternal companions together, including the other person's agency and Heavenly Father only wants what is best for us so I should be patient and have faith.
I should never wish just for a moment that I didn't have to be patient, that some Friday nights I don't need what's best for me, sometimes I'd settle for what's ok for me as long as he'd hold my hand and the door for me. Maybe try and kiss me at the end. Not saying I need a makeout session but it'd be nice if someone wanted one.
I should be happy when yet another guy wants to be my best friend, but not actually date me. Because after all, it's not like I can ever have enough guy friends that talk to me about other girls. I shouldn't want to tell him to shove it, I have enough guy friends, I'm not your therapist, don't waste my time, date me or get out.
That there shouldn't be a tiny part of me that I work so hard to squash that wonders every time I meet someone new if he might be the right guy. That the tiny part of me that pipes up with that hope with every new guy is both wonderful but also a little bit of self torture. That there's another part of me that thinks it would be better to stop hoping altogether, because then maybe I'd stop hurting.
That there's another part of me that knows what people say, that when you stop looking for it then love happens, and wonders how in the heck do you stop looking for it so it'll happen? Isn't that just another way of looking for it??
I shouldn't look at myself on a regular basis both literally and figuratively and try and figure out what's wrong with me and what I should do about it.
That I shouldn't be tempted when my married friend tries to give me a book on how to sort of trap a man by changing the way you act around him. The book that she swears is the reason she's married. That I should be completely content with the thought that if he's the right guy then he'll love me no matter how I act or what makeup I wear.
That I should be perfectly happy in the knowledge that if I don't find an eternal companion in this life then I'll find him in the next. It's only 60-70 years, that's nothing compared to eternity, right?
That I should be excited at the prospect of focusing on my career, and look forward to serving in the family ward once I age out of the singles ward because I'll have much more time than the other women in the ward because I don't have a family. Think of all the good I can do!
And I shouldn't long with everything in my heart for someone to love me, to choose me out of everyone in the world. That I shouldn't have little silly dreams about life with someone who loves me and who I love, about laughing and weddings and babies and growing old together. Someone to hold on to when life gets hard. Someone to argue with and then make up with. Someone to tease and be teased by. And yes, if I'm admitting everything here, I'd like to have sex sometime in the next 60 years (with my with my husband). I think that'd be an experience I'd like to have in this life, not the next thank you very much.
I guess what I'm saying George, is I can pretend to be all those things, happy and serene and content, and sometimes I can even fool myself for a while. But I'm not really those things, and I must be ashamed that I'm not because I never talk about them to anyone. Except you. And you're nice and all, but you're no substitute for a husband. Heck, you're not even a substitute for a mediocre date. No offense. :-)
Where are you? I don't want to be these things anymore. I'm so tired.
S
I'm feeling really melodramatic today, and a bit lonely. Ok, more than a bit. So here's my cry to the world, and the next world, and Heavenly Father.
Where are you???
I am so tired of being alone. I know I talk to you about it a lot, but that's mainly because I can't talk to anyone else about it. I'm supposed to be "ok" with being single, right? I'm not supposed to feel this...sad, and afraid? I don't know what emotion it is. But I'm not supposed to feel it.
I'm supposed to smile and say I'm enjoying my single life, right?
That I enjoy watching all my friends get married, that I'm totally and completely happy for them and not the least bit jealous and thinking that I can't believe I didn't have a date for their wedding and I'm glad they asked me to help out cause otherwise I'd be sitting at a table full of people I'm NOT dating, or worse, sitting by myself.
I should never worry that I'm 30, and how many more years will I be able to have a baby? And i know when I was younger i said i wasn't sure i'd ever want to have kids, but i was young and stupid then and i changed my mind and i'm worried it might never happen now. That a small part of me that i don't usually talk about and try not to think about wonders if I jinxed myself.
I should never be a little angry (just a little) with Heavenly Father because I'm still alone. I should accept with total calmness and serenity and a smile that there are many things that go into bringing eternal companions together, including the other person's agency and Heavenly Father only wants what is best for us so I should be patient and have faith.
I should never wish just for a moment that I didn't have to be patient, that some Friday nights I don't need what's best for me, sometimes I'd settle for what's ok for me as long as he'd hold my hand and the door for me. Maybe try and kiss me at the end. Not saying I need a makeout session but it'd be nice if someone wanted one.
I should be happy when yet another guy wants to be my best friend, but not actually date me. Because after all, it's not like I can ever have enough guy friends that talk to me about other girls. I shouldn't want to tell him to shove it, I have enough guy friends, I'm not your therapist, don't waste my time, date me or get out.
That there shouldn't be a tiny part of me that I work so hard to squash that wonders every time I meet someone new if he might be the right guy. That the tiny part of me that pipes up with that hope with every new guy is both wonderful but also a little bit of self torture. That there's another part of me that thinks it would be better to stop hoping altogether, because then maybe I'd stop hurting.
That there's another part of me that knows what people say, that when you stop looking for it then love happens, and wonders how in the heck do you stop looking for it so it'll happen? Isn't that just another way of looking for it??
I shouldn't look at myself on a regular basis both literally and figuratively and try and figure out what's wrong with me and what I should do about it.
That I shouldn't be tempted when my married friend tries to give me a book on how to sort of trap a man by changing the way you act around him. The book that she swears is the reason she's married. That I should be completely content with the thought that if he's the right guy then he'll love me no matter how I act or what makeup I wear.
That I should be perfectly happy in the knowledge that if I don't find an eternal companion in this life then I'll find him in the next. It's only 60-70 years, that's nothing compared to eternity, right?
That I should be excited at the prospect of focusing on my career, and look forward to serving in the family ward once I age out of the singles ward because I'll have much more time than the other women in the ward because I don't have a family. Think of all the good I can do!
And I shouldn't long with everything in my heart for someone to love me, to choose me out of everyone in the world. That I shouldn't have little silly dreams about life with someone who loves me and who I love, about laughing and weddings and babies and growing old together. Someone to hold on to when life gets hard. Someone to argue with and then make up with. Someone to tease and be teased by. And yes, if I'm admitting everything here, I'd like to have sex sometime in the next 60 years (with my with my husband). I think that'd be an experience I'd like to have in this life, not the next thank you very much.
I guess what I'm saying George, is I can pretend to be all those things, happy and serene and content, and sometimes I can even fool myself for a while. But I'm not really those things, and I must be ashamed that I'm not because I never talk about them to anyone. Except you. And you're nice and all, but you're no substitute for a husband. Heck, you're not even a substitute for a mediocre date. No offense. :-)
Where are you? I don't want to be these things anymore. I'm so tired.
S
Location:A cry into space
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