At night when I'm alone

Dear George,

You know that most of the time I try to put a brave face on the fact that I'm alone. I can usually remind myself that I was promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will eventually find my eternal companion, and that he will love me and we will return to Heavenly Father together.

If not in this life then in the next. And I remind myself how fast the first 29 years of my life have gone by, and how every year seems to come faster and faster. So if I never find him in this life it really isn't that long of a time. Compared to eternity.

And most of the time all of that is true. Most of the time I can say honestly that I am trusting in Heavenly Father and if I have to wait then I have to wait.

But I never ever tell people that sometimes late at night when I am lying alone in the dark where no one can see, I cry. Most of the time it doesn't hurt me that I'm alone. But sometimes it hurts sooo much. I know my eternal companion is out there, and that he's looking for me. And yes, I know that there's no one person I am "meant" to be with, no soul mate. But I know that the person I will eventually marry is out there somewhere.

That should be hopeful, right? Then why do I feel so sad about it?

I know that when we're ready to be together we will be. And until then I just need to focus on getting ready. Growing as a person and in the gospel.

I just pray that he's happy, and safe. And that wherever he is he knows that I am looking for him too, and that he is loved.

And in my heart of hearts I pray a selfish prayer that Heavenly Father will lead us to each other soon.

S