Dear George,
I hate feeling like I'm in high school. You wouldn't expect to feel that way at a professional job, but that's exactly how I feel. For the record, that's not a good feeling. Some people had great high school experiences, my roommate loved it. I was pretty much lucky to make it out of there alive...
But since high school I haven't felt that way at all. You know the feeling I'm talking about? The "I'm outside the group but I wish I was in it and maybe I should do everything I can to impress them so they'll either like me or at least stop picking on me" feeling?
Since high school I either haven't cared what an exclusive group thinks of me or I've been right in the middle of it. Since high school if I ever find myself in the middle I make sure everyone is included. It makes the group bigger, makes it more interesting, and I make sure no one ever has to feel like that. Because that's one of the worst feelings in the world.
The past few years have been kindof strange in that regard. The second I was able to really stop caring what people thought and instead just do what made me happy, people started wanting to hang out. I look up from a conversation sometimes and find myself in the center of a group of people listening in. I send out a text to a bunch of people telling them I'm throwing an "I just lost my job" party, and 20 people show up on a Sunday night to cheer me up.
I am not telling you all this to brag. It's not that I've turned into one of the "in crowd," I'm pretty sure it's just that I make sure there ISN'T an in crowd. And I think people like that and gravitate towards it. That and I tend to make friends with people who feel the same way I do, that people should be included. So we all, consciously or unconsciously make sure we include people.
So it has been a little bit of a rude awakening to be in this class where people don't feel the same way. Its not just that they don't feel that everyone should be included, I could deal with that the way I always do. By including everyone anyways. It's that I'm not included. If I'm one of the ones on the outside, then how do I make sure there's not a clique?
It's not just that. It's also that I guess I got used to being part of the group, and if I am perfectly honest with myself it kindof hurts my feelings that I'm not. Which doesn't make ANY sense at all!!!! The main people that exclude me are not people I would normally choose to hang out with anyways. They curse a LOT, F bombs everywhere, they're interested in shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, their values are completely different from mine. I don't curse (frankly, on the rare occasion I have in the past people have laughed because it was so ridiculous), we have a TV but it's only hooked up to the DVD player. And if we DID have cable the LAST thing I'd watch is Jersey Shore or Teen Mom. If people like those shows, that's fine. But I'm not interested in them and I really wouldn't even know how to hold a conversation about them.
If you want to talk about the political situation in Egypt, or what may happen with the succession in North Korea, I can talk about it. If you want to talk about shows like Glee or NCIS, Numbers or Supernatural, I can talk about it. If you want to talk about books, I can do that for hours. Football, golf, I can hold my own. Video games, I have an opinion. Music, I'm not really really good at, but I can usually keep up with the conversation. Running or biking, rock climbing or camping, I can talk about it.
But when the conversation consists of your most recent fight with your live in boyfriend or girlfriend, drinking, reality TV, your kids (I like kids, but since I don't have any of my own it can be hard to stay engaged in the discussion), rap music (I like it, I just don't really have much to say), cars, how annoying/lazy/stupid the opposite sex is (either sex), etc etc...I don't really have anything to say.
Not only do I not have anything to say, but with a lot of those topics I isolate myself with my beliefs and values.
I will NEVER tell someone else how they should live their lives. I'm still trying to figure out my own! But when the conversation turns to a topic I have chosen not to include in my life, I don't have anything to contribute. And if people ask me my opinion I flat out tell them I don't have one because I don't drink/smoke/curse/have premarital sex/etc... I'm not ashamed of my choices. I'm pretty open about everything. But I'm also pretty careful to make sure people know that these are MY choices. That they are free to make different ones, and that's fine with me.
Ever since I joined the Church I've heard people talk about how sometimes we have to make choices that isolate us from other people, and how hard that can be. Now I'm wondering if maybe that's not part of what's happening in class?
I don't think it's all of it though. How do I respond in a professional adult way to another adult when they are acting like an adolescent? How do I say to them "Please stop making fun of me in class?" or "Please stop making fun of other people in class?"
I don't have the answer George. And that's the worst part. I am so unsure of myself around these people that I don't know how to act to fix it. A month ago I would have known what to do. Just the right thing to say or the right look to give them to shut them down and remind them they're an adult. Now I just don't know.
If I could figure out how to be myself again, then it would all work itself out. I'm just all tangled up now. How do I get untangled?
S
Showing posts with label Dear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, Feb 21st
Dear George,
I know I have never written you before, so this letter is probably a surprise. However I feel that our friendship has progressed to the point that we should be able to talk about anything and everything. I think you probably feel the same way.
I plan on writing to you daily, but you know how I am, consistency is not my strong suit. So I will do my absolute best, and hope that you'll forgive any long silences. You know they don't have anything to do with you.
So today began my 5th week of class at work. I think it's my 5th week...we started in the middle of January so I think I'm right. Class is going well, we are just getting past the book work to learning some hands on stuff today. To be honest, I am really tired of class. I'm really want to start using what we're learning. But I am soooo not ready for that yet. We have 3-4 weeks more before we begin the truly "practical" training, so I have some time.
I'm sure you're not surprised I'm getting tired of class. I've always had trouble with keeping motivated over a semester. Which is going to be a problem in the fall when I start back at school. I am changing my major, did I tell you that? My work will reimburse my tuition if I major in Business. I figure I can still minor in Emergency Administration and Planning. And I can always go back later. The other reason I'm switching is because I cannot be promoted past where I am now if I am not at least working on a degree. I really think this company is where I'm going to be for a long time, and I don't plan on staying in this position for very long.
Don't get me wrong! The job I'm training for is REALLY interesting! Lol, who would have thought that I would be interested in such a dry subject?? But the opportunity to help people on a daily basis, plus the problem solving aspect really appeal to me.
So...after 11 years of wandering around trying to figure out what to major on...it's business. How weird is that??? It's weird George. I'm the one doing it and it's weirding me out.
Beyond that? Well the work schedule right now doesn't allow me to hang out with anyone during the week. I don't get off until late. That's one of the reasons I'd like to be promoted as quickly as possible. Everyone above me works normal business hours. My position is the last one that works evenings. I didn't realize how much going to FHE each week and Institute, and then hanging out with people most of the other nights meant to me. It's an adjustment.
Of course I can always see people on the weekend. This past weekend I made plans with SD for Sat afternoon, and then there was that Whirleyball activity Sat night. But I woke up on Sat and didn't feel like doing anything. Even the thought of a game that involves bumper cars, lacrosse sticks and basketball hoops wasn't enough to pry me out of the house.
So I cancelled with SD. I know! Can you believe it? Had a crush on him forever, had plans for a WHOLE AFTERNOON with him and I cancelled. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, or just coming to grips with the fact that he doesn't feel that way about me. If I accept that he is just a friend, then I treat him like a friend. And I would have cancelled on anyone on Sat. Still, it was surprising.
So then Sun I had Church in the afternoon. It was my week to teach Relief Society. The topic was Service. I think I did a pretty good job. Kindof mediocre for me, but in terms of how good all the classes are it was probably good. Everyone said it was good, BUT I always wonder if that's just something people always say, no matter if it was good or bad.
I know talking like this about a Church calling is...not good. I sound like I am comparing myself with the other teachers and trying to be "better" than they are. And maybe I am. But I think it's more that this calling is perfect for me, and it's something I'm actually good at. And it's something I need for myself too because it makes me research and learn more than I would on my own.
I guess why I feel this lesson wasn't as good was because I didn't put much thought or preparation into it this time. Normally I start thinking about the subject a couple weeks out, and start really researching and preparing the week before. Yes, there's a lesson manual and I could just teach from it verbatim. Some of the teachers do that, and if I am perfectly honest about it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I know that I can do better. Not better than them exactly, but better than myself. Like I know I have the skills and talents to do more, to bring the lesson to life and demonstrate how to apply it to our lives. So if Heavenly Father gave me those specific skills and talents, and then put me in a place where I can use them, then if I don't put forth the effort and do everything I can then it's not a good lesson.
I know what you're going to say. The Holy Spirit can take any lesson and have it speak to someone's heart. And I'm not saying my lesson yesterday didn't speak to people. I'm just saying it didn't feel as alive as it usually does. And I know that's because I didn't really magnify my calling. I just went through the motions. Oh I added a few things, you know me, I can talk. But I wasn't happy with it.
And this is the place where I usually get discouraged. I mean, I gave a mediocre lesson, SD only sees me as a friend (the best friend curse strikes again!), I'm close to hitting the wall at work which means the next couple weeks are going to be hard until I get my second wind, oh! And JC is dating someone, they sat together at Church. Which means he's not a possibility anymore either. Not that I really wanted to date him, err...well I wanted too. But he was glacial, 2 dates in 2 months kindof kills the romance. And I can't even be mad at the girl he's dating, because she's sooooo sweet you just CAN'T be mad at her. Not that I would, I mean he's the one that decided. But I don't really even have the satisfaction of comparing myself favorably with her. Let's face it, if I were a guy I'd date her too.
So...we're back to my idea of an LDS nunnery. Or an old folks home for spinsters. Lol, I'm not giving up on dating. But I'm thinking it might be a good idea to resign myself to the fact there's a real possibility I could be single for a LONG time. I age out of the YSA ward next year, and I've been to some of the Single Adult activities. When you walk in and there are a couple people in power wheelchairs that is not a good sign.
So for now, I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself, and not allowing myself to get too discouraged. Writing letters to you is a start. We'll see what else I come up with.
Love,
S
I know I have never written you before, so this letter is probably a surprise. However I feel that our friendship has progressed to the point that we should be able to talk about anything and everything. I think you probably feel the same way.
I plan on writing to you daily, but you know how I am, consistency is not my strong suit. So I will do my absolute best, and hope that you'll forgive any long silences. You know they don't have anything to do with you.
So today began my 5th week of class at work. I think it's my 5th week...we started in the middle of January so I think I'm right. Class is going well, we are just getting past the book work to learning some hands on stuff today. To be honest, I am really tired of class. I'm really want to start using what we're learning. But I am soooo not ready for that yet. We have 3-4 weeks more before we begin the truly "practical" training, so I have some time.
I'm sure you're not surprised I'm getting tired of class. I've always had trouble with keeping motivated over a semester. Which is going to be a problem in the fall when I start back at school. I am changing my major, did I tell you that? My work will reimburse my tuition if I major in Business. I figure I can still minor in Emergency Administration and Planning. And I can always go back later. The other reason I'm switching is because I cannot be promoted past where I am now if I am not at least working on a degree. I really think this company is where I'm going to be for a long time, and I don't plan on staying in this position for very long.
Don't get me wrong! The job I'm training for is REALLY interesting! Lol, who would have thought that I would be interested in such a dry subject?? But the opportunity to help people on a daily basis, plus the problem solving aspect really appeal to me.
So...after 11 years of wandering around trying to figure out what to major on...it's business. How weird is that??? It's weird George. I'm the one doing it and it's weirding me out.
Beyond that? Well the work schedule right now doesn't allow me to hang out with anyone during the week. I don't get off until late. That's one of the reasons I'd like to be promoted as quickly as possible. Everyone above me works normal business hours. My position is the last one that works evenings. I didn't realize how much going to FHE each week and Institute, and then hanging out with people most of the other nights meant to me. It's an adjustment.
Of course I can always see people on the weekend. This past weekend I made plans with SD for Sat afternoon, and then there was that Whirleyball activity Sat night. But I woke up on Sat and didn't feel like doing anything. Even the thought of a game that involves bumper cars, lacrosse sticks and basketball hoops wasn't enough to pry me out of the house.
So I cancelled with SD. I know! Can you believe it? Had a crush on him forever, had plans for a WHOLE AFTERNOON with him and I cancelled. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, or just coming to grips with the fact that he doesn't feel that way about me. If I accept that he is just a friend, then I treat him like a friend. And I would have cancelled on anyone on Sat. Still, it was surprising.
So then Sun I had Church in the afternoon. It was my week to teach Relief Society. The topic was Service. I think I did a pretty good job. Kindof mediocre for me, but in terms of how good all the classes are it was probably good. Everyone said it was good, BUT I always wonder if that's just something people always say, no matter if it was good or bad.
I know talking like this about a Church calling is...not good. I sound like I am comparing myself with the other teachers and trying to be "better" than they are. And maybe I am. But I think it's more that this calling is perfect for me, and it's something I'm actually good at. And it's something I need for myself too because it makes me research and learn more than I would on my own.
I guess why I feel this lesson wasn't as good was because I didn't put much thought or preparation into it this time. Normally I start thinking about the subject a couple weeks out, and start really researching and preparing the week before. Yes, there's a lesson manual and I could just teach from it verbatim. Some of the teachers do that, and if I am perfectly honest about it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I know that I can do better. Not better than them exactly, but better than myself. Like I know I have the skills and talents to do more, to bring the lesson to life and demonstrate how to apply it to our lives. So if Heavenly Father gave me those specific skills and talents, and then put me in a place where I can use them, then if I don't put forth the effort and do everything I can then it's not a good lesson.
I know what you're going to say. The Holy Spirit can take any lesson and have it speak to someone's heart. And I'm not saying my lesson yesterday didn't speak to people. I'm just saying it didn't feel as alive as it usually does. And I know that's because I didn't really magnify my calling. I just went through the motions. Oh I added a few things, you know me, I can talk. But I wasn't happy with it.
And this is the place where I usually get discouraged. I mean, I gave a mediocre lesson, SD only sees me as a friend (the best friend curse strikes again!), I'm close to hitting the wall at work which means the next couple weeks are going to be hard until I get my second wind, oh! And JC is dating someone, they sat together at Church. Which means he's not a possibility anymore either. Not that I really wanted to date him, err...well I wanted too. But he was glacial, 2 dates in 2 months kindof kills the romance. And I can't even be mad at the girl he's dating, because she's sooooo sweet you just CAN'T be mad at her. Not that I would, I mean he's the one that decided. But I don't really even have the satisfaction of comparing myself favorably with her. Let's face it, if I were a guy I'd date her too.
So...we're back to my idea of an LDS nunnery. Or an old folks home for spinsters. Lol, I'm not giving up on dating. But I'm thinking it might be a good idea to resign myself to the fact there's a real possibility I could be single for a LONG time. I age out of the YSA ward next year, and I've been to some of the Single Adult activities. When you walk in and there are a couple people in power wheelchairs that is not a good sign.
So for now, I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself, and not allowing myself to get too discouraged. Writing letters to you is a start. We'll see what else I come up with.
Love,
S
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