Tuesday Feb 22nd

Dear George,

I hate feeling like I'm in high school. You wouldn't expect to feel that way at a professional job, but that's exactly how I feel. For the record, that's not a good feeling. Some people had great high school experiences, my roommate loved it. I was pretty much lucky to make it out of there alive...

But since high school I haven't felt that way at all. You know the feeling I'm talking about? The "I'm outside the group but I wish I was in it and maybe I should do everything I can to impress them so they'll either like me or at least stop picking on me" feeling?

Since high school I either haven't cared what an exclusive group thinks of me or I've been right in the middle of it. Since high school if I ever find myself in the middle I make sure everyone is included. It makes the group bigger, makes it more interesting, and I make sure no one ever has to feel like that. Because that's one of the worst feelings in the world.

The past few years have been kindof strange in that regard. The second I was able to really stop caring what people thought and instead just do what made me happy, people started wanting to hang out. I look up from a conversation sometimes and find myself in the center of a group of people listening in. I send out a text to a bunch of people telling them I'm throwing an "I just lost my job" party, and 20 people show up on a Sunday night to cheer me up.

I am not telling you all this to brag. It's not that I've turned into one of the "in crowd," I'm pretty sure it's just that I make sure there ISN'T an in crowd. And I think people like that and gravitate towards it. That and I tend to make friends with people who feel the same way I do, that people should be included. So we all, consciously or unconsciously make sure we include people.

So it has been a little bit of a rude awakening to be in this class where people don't feel the same way. Its not just that they don't feel that everyone should be included, I could deal with that the way I always do. By including everyone anyways. It's that I'm not included. If I'm one of the ones on the outside, then how do I make sure there's not a clique?

It's not just that. It's also that I guess I got used to being part of the group, and if I am perfectly honest with myself it kindof hurts my feelings that I'm not. Which doesn't make ANY sense at all!!!! The main people that exclude me are not people I would normally choose to hang out with anyways. They curse a LOT, F bombs everywhere, they're interested in shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, their values are completely different from mine. I don't curse (frankly, on the rare occasion I have in the past people have laughed because it was so ridiculous), we have a TV but it's only hooked up to the DVD player. And if we DID have cable the LAST thing I'd watch is Jersey Shore or Teen Mom. If people like those shows, that's fine. But I'm not interested in them and I really wouldn't even know how to hold a conversation about them.

If you want to talk about the political situation in Egypt, or what may happen with the succession in North Korea, I can talk about it. If you want to talk about shows like Glee or NCIS, Numbers or Supernatural, I can talk about it. If you want to talk about books, I can do that for hours. Football, golf, I can hold my own. Video games, I have an opinion. Music, I'm not really really good at, but I can usually keep up with the conversation. Running or biking, rock climbing or camping, I can talk about it.

But when the conversation consists of your most recent fight with your live in boyfriend or girlfriend, drinking, reality TV, your kids (I like kids, but since I don't have any of my own it can be hard to stay engaged in the discussion), rap music (I like it, I just don't really have much to say), cars, how annoying/lazy/stupid the opposite sex is (either sex), etc etc...I don't really have anything to say.

Not only do I not have anything to say, but with a lot of those topics I isolate myself with my beliefs and values.

I will NEVER tell someone else how they should live their lives. I'm still trying to figure out my own! But when the conversation turns to a topic I have chosen not to include in my life, I don't have anything to contribute. And if people ask me my opinion I flat out tell them I don't have one because I don't drink/smoke/curse/have premarital sex/etc... I'm not ashamed of my choices. I'm pretty open about everything. But I'm also pretty careful to make sure people know that these are MY choices. That they are free to make different ones, and that's fine with me.

Ever since I joined the Church I've heard people talk about how sometimes we have to make choices that isolate us from other people, and how hard that can be. Now I'm wondering if maybe that's not part of what's happening in class?

I don't think it's all of it though. How do I respond in a professional adult way to another adult when they are acting like an adolescent? How do I say to them "Please stop making fun of me in class?" or "Please stop making fun of other people in class?"

I don't have the answer George. And that's the worst part. I am so unsure of myself around these people that I don't know how to act to fix it. A month ago I would have known what to do. Just the right thing to say or the right look to give them to shut them down and remind them they're an adult. Now I just don't know.

If I could figure out how to be myself again, then it would all work itself out. I'm just all tangled up now. How do I get untangled?

S