Monday, Feb 21st

Dear George,

I know I have never written you before, so this letter is probably a surprise. However I feel that our friendship has progressed to the point that we should be able to talk about anything and everything. I think you probably feel the same way.

I plan on writing to you daily, but you know how I am, consistency is not my strong suit. So I will do my absolute best, and hope that you'll forgive any long silences. You know they don't have anything to do with you.

So today began my 5th week of class at work. I think it's my 5th week...we started in the middle of January so I think I'm right. Class is going well, we are just getting past the book work to learning some hands on stuff today. To be honest, I am really tired of class. I'm really want to start using what we're learning. But I am soooo not ready for that yet. We have 3-4 weeks more before we begin the truly "practical" training, so I have some time.

I'm sure you're not surprised I'm getting tired of class. I've always had trouble with keeping motivated over a semester. Which is going to be a problem in the fall when I start back at school. I am changing my major, did I tell you that? My work will reimburse my tuition if I major in Business. I figure I can still minor in Emergency Administration and Planning. And I can always go back later. The other reason I'm switching is because I cannot be promoted past where I am now if I am not at least working on a degree. I really think this company is where I'm going to be for a long time, and I don't plan on staying in this position for very long.

Don't get me wrong! The job I'm training for is REALLY interesting! Lol, who would have thought that I would be interested in such a dry subject?? But the opportunity to help people on a daily basis, plus the problem solving aspect really appeal to me.

So...after 11 years of wandering around trying to figure out what to major on...it's business. How weird is that??? It's weird George. I'm the one doing it and it's weirding me out.

Beyond that? Well the work schedule right now doesn't allow me to hang out with anyone during the week. I don't get off until late. That's one of the reasons I'd like to be promoted as quickly as possible. Everyone above me works normal business hours. My position is the last one that works evenings. I didn't realize how much going to FHE each week and Institute, and then hanging out with people most of the other nights meant to me. It's an adjustment.

Of course I can always see people on the weekend. This past weekend I made plans with SD for Sat afternoon, and then there was that Whirleyball activity Sat night. But I woke up on Sat and didn't feel like doing anything. Even the thought of a game that involves bumper cars, lacrosse sticks and basketball hoops wasn't enough to pry me out of the house.

So I cancelled with SD. I know! Can you believe it? Had a crush on him forever, had plans for a WHOLE AFTERNOON with him and I cancelled. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, or just coming to grips with the fact that he doesn't feel that way about me. If I accept that he is just a friend, then I treat him like a friend. And I would have cancelled on anyone on Sat. Still, it was surprising.

So then Sun I had Church in the afternoon. It was my week to teach Relief Society. The topic was Service. I think I did a pretty good job. Kindof mediocre for me, but in terms of how good all the classes are it was probably good. Everyone said it was good, BUT I always wonder if that's just something people always say, no matter if it was good or bad.

I know talking like this about a Church calling is...not good. I sound like I am comparing myself with the other teachers and trying to be "better" than they are. And maybe I am. But I think it's more that this calling is perfect for me, and it's something I'm actually good at. And it's something I need for myself too because it makes me research and learn more than I would on my own.

I guess why I feel this lesson wasn't as good was because I didn't put much thought or preparation into it this time. Normally I start thinking about the subject a couple weeks out, and start really researching and preparing the week before. Yes, there's a lesson manual and I could just teach from it verbatim. Some of the teachers do that, and if I am perfectly honest about it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I know that I can do better. Not better than them exactly, but better than myself. Like I know I have the skills and talents to do more, to bring the lesson to life and demonstrate how to apply it to our lives. So if Heavenly Father gave me those specific skills and talents, and then put me in a place where I can use them, then if I don't put forth the effort and do everything I can then it's not a good lesson.

I know what you're going to say. The Holy Spirit can take any lesson and have it speak to someone's heart. And I'm not saying my lesson yesterday didn't speak to people. I'm just saying it didn't feel as alive as it usually does. And I know that's because I didn't really magnify my calling. I just went through the motions. Oh I added a few things, you know me, I can talk. But I wasn't happy with it.

And this is the place where I usually get discouraged. I mean, I gave a mediocre lesson, SD only sees me as a friend (the best friend curse strikes again!), I'm close to hitting the wall at work which means the next couple weeks are going to be hard until I get my second wind, oh! And JC is dating someone, they sat together at Church. Which means he's not a possibility anymore either. Not that I really wanted to date him, err...well I wanted too. But he was glacial, 2 dates in 2 months kindof kills the romance. And I can't even be mad at the girl he's dating, because she's sooooo sweet you just CAN'T be mad at her. Not that I would, I mean he's the one that decided. But I don't really even have the satisfaction of comparing myself favorably with her. Let's face it, if I were a guy I'd date her too.

So...we're back to my idea of an LDS nunnery. Or an old folks home for spinsters. Lol, I'm not giving up on dating. But I'm thinking it might be a good idea to resign myself to the fact there's a real possibility I could be single for a LONG time. I age out of the YSA ward next year, and I've been to some of the Single Adult activities. When you walk in and there are a couple people in power wheelchairs that is not a good sign.

So for now, I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself, and not allowing myself to get too discouraged. Writing letters to you is a start. We'll see what else I come up with.

Love,

S