Dear George,

I'm feeling really melodramatic today, and a bit lonely. Ok, more than a bit. So here's my cry to the world, and the next world, and Heavenly Father.

Where are you???

I am so tired of being alone. I know I talk to you about it a lot, but that's mainly because I can't talk to anyone else about it. I'm supposed to be "ok" with being single, right? I'm not supposed to feel this...sad, and afraid? I don't know what emotion it is. But I'm not supposed to feel it.

I'm supposed to smile and say I'm enjoying my single life, right?
That I enjoy watching all my friends get married, that I'm totally and completely happy for them and not the least bit jealous and thinking that I can't believe I didn't have a date for their wedding and I'm glad they asked me to help out cause otherwise I'd be sitting at a table full of people I'm NOT dating, or worse, sitting by myself.

I should never worry that I'm 30, and how many more years will I be able to have a baby? And i know when I was younger i said i wasn't sure i'd ever want to have kids, but i was young and stupid then and i changed my mind and i'm worried it might never happen now. That a small part of me that i don't usually talk about and try not to think about wonders if I jinxed myself.

I should never be a little angry (just a little) with Heavenly Father because I'm still alone. I should accept with total calmness and serenity and a smile that there are many things that go into bringing eternal companions together, including the other person's agency and Heavenly Father only wants what is best for us so I should be patient and have faith.

I should never wish just for a moment that I didn't have to be patient, that some Friday nights I don't need what's best for me, sometimes I'd settle for what's ok for me as long as he'd hold my hand and the door for me. Maybe try and kiss me at the end. Not saying I need a makeout session but it'd be nice if someone wanted one.

I should be happy when yet another guy wants to be my best friend, but not actually date me. Because after all, it's not like I can ever have enough guy friends that talk to me about other girls. I shouldn't want to tell him to shove it, I have enough guy friends, I'm not your therapist, don't waste my time, date me or get out.

That there shouldn't be a tiny part of me that I work so hard to squash that wonders every time I meet someone new if he might be the right guy. That the tiny part of me that pipes up with that hope with every new guy is both wonderful but also a little bit of self torture. That there's another part of me that thinks it would be better to stop hoping altogether, because then maybe I'd stop hurting.

That there's another part of me that knows what people say, that when you stop looking for it then love happens, and wonders how in the heck do you stop looking for it so it'll happen? Isn't that just another way of looking for it??

I shouldn't look at myself on a regular basis both literally and figuratively and try and figure out what's wrong with me and what I should do about it.

That I shouldn't be tempted when my married friend tries to give me a book on how to sort of trap a man by changing the way you act around him. The book that she swears is the reason she's married. That I should be completely content with the thought that if he's the right guy then he'll love me no matter how I act or what makeup I wear.

That I should be perfectly happy in the knowledge that if I don't find an eternal companion in this life then I'll find him in the next. It's only 60-70 years, that's nothing compared to eternity, right?

That I should be excited at the prospect of focusing on my career, and look forward to serving in the family ward once I age out of the singles ward because I'll have much more time than the other women in the ward because I don't have a family. Think of all the good I can do!

And I shouldn't long with everything in my heart for someone to love me, to choose me out of everyone in the world. That I shouldn't have little silly dreams about life with someone who loves me and who I love, about laughing and weddings and babies and growing old together. Someone to hold on to when life gets hard. Someone to argue with and then make up with. Someone to tease and be teased by. And yes, if I'm admitting everything here, I'd like to have sex sometime in the next 60 years (with my with my husband). I think that'd be an experience I'd like to have in this life, not the next thank you very much.

I guess what I'm saying George, is I can pretend to be all those things, happy and serene and content, and sometimes I can even fool myself for a while. But I'm not really those things, and I must be ashamed that I'm not because I never talk about them to anyone. Except you. And you're nice and all, but you're no substitute for a husband. Heck, you're not even a substitute for a mediocre date. No offense. :-)

Where are you? I don't want to be these things anymore. I'm so tired.

S

Location:A cry into space