Dear George,
Do you ever find yourself arguing with yourself over something silly? For instance, you're watching a documentary on Netflix at 11 pm and you have to be up early the next day. And in your mind a thought comes that says "I should go to bed." And then you argue and say "this thing I'm watching is really interesting." And then you think "but it's Netflix, I can watch it tomorrow." And then you argue and say "but I don't want to watch it tomorrow" (insert foot stomp here).
Do you ever do that?
I had a friend tell me that whenever she finds herself arguing with herself like that she has realized it's the Holy Spirit talking to her. Maybe not in words like that, but maybe in impressions we turn into words.
So lately I've been trying to recognize when I'm doing it and step back in the middle of my internal argument and figure out which side is me, and which side might be the Holy Spirit (the foot stomp usually gives it away). Then I think about whatever it is the opposing side is telling me and see if it brings me peace. If it does, or if it's just good advice or common sense and it feels right then I stop arguing and do it. Most of the time anyways, I'm still very stubborn and willful. But I'm working on it.
So then when I decide the Holy Spirit is right, I usually say in my head "you're right, you're right" and I swear sometimes the thought crosses my mind "I know I'm right." like told you so, only not snarky and mean about it. Feels more indulgent and kind than...well nah nanny boo boo is the phrase that comes to mind.
I don't know if that's just me taking things further in my head than the Holy Spirit intends, or if he really is like "I know I'm right and things would be a lot easier for you if you'd realize that more often." Either way George, it's really cool. And I'm hoping and praying I can get better at this conversation I seem to be having. In my head... I swear I'm not crazy. :-)
Night George.
S
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Force
Dear George,
I think I'm in love with my best friend. And I think he doesn't love me back, not like that.
I'm not sure what I should do. Should I stop spending time with him? Because this is like a slow motion train crash, I can see the pain coming. So if I stop spending time with him then maybe I won't be more attached to him than I am now. So maybe it will hurt less.
I talked to my friend RH about it. She's the only one besides you that knows. She doesn't believe I am capable of not seeing him and talking to him. She said JW is a force. He is pure optimism and he makes the people around him happy, you just can't help it. She says I am addicted to that happiness, and she doesn't think I can do without it.
Maybe she's right. He is a force. And being with him makes me happy.
But what happens when he meets someone else? Can I pretend to be happy for him? Can I be her friend and watch them together without hurting about it?
I know I'm capable of doing that. But I don't know if I want to. I am not sure I have a choice though, I don't think I can stop being his friend. And if he found someone that makes him happy then I would learn to deal with it because he should be happy.
Truth is? I also wonder if I'm not taking my love for him as a friend and exaggerating it into something more because I'm lonesome. I do love him very much. But I am also very alone, in terms of dating someone (remind me to tell you about the guy I went out with last night...yeah...not good). So I am really hoping I am just mixed up and I'll put him back into the friend zone once I'm not so lonely.
Because I don't think I can deal with a hugely broken heart again. Not with JW. I wouldn't even be able to be mad at him, cause he hasn't done anything wrong!
Thanks for listening George, it helps.
-S
I think I'm in love with my best friend. And I think he doesn't love me back, not like that.
I'm not sure what I should do. Should I stop spending time with him? Because this is like a slow motion train crash, I can see the pain coming. So if I stop spending time with him then maybe I won't be more attached to him than I am now. So maybe it will hurt less.
I talked to my friend RH about it. She's the only one besides you that knows. She doesn't believe I am capable of not seeing him and talking to him. She said JW is a force. He is pure optimism and he makes the people around him happy, you just can't help it. She says I am addicted to that happiness, and she doesn't think I can do without it.
Maybe she's right. He is a force. And being with him makes me happy.
But what happens when he meets someone else? Can I pretend to be happy for him? Can I be her friend and watch them together without hurting about it?
I know I'm capable of doing that. But I don't know if I want to. I am not sure I have a choice though, I don't think I can stop being his friend. And if he found someone that makes him happy then I would learn to deal with it because he should be happy.
Truth is? I also wonder if I'm not taking my love for him as a friend and exaggerating it into something more because I'm lonesome. I do love him very much. But I am also very alone, in terms of dating someone (remind me to tell you about the guy I went out with last night...yeah...not good). So I am really hoping I am just mixed up and I'll put him back into the friend zone once I'm not so lonely.
Because I don't think I can deal with a hugely broken heart again. Not with JW. I wouldn't even be able to be mad at him, cause he hasn't done anything wrong!
Thanks for listening George, it helps.
-S
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Back in the saddle...sortof...
Dear George,
I'm really sleepy so I'm gonna be quick tonight. I went back to tae kwon do tonight for the first time in months. I forgot how much I love it.
There is something magic about moving your body through a form, it's like dancing, but better. It makes you concentrate on what each hand and foot and even finger is doing, their form and position in space. There isn't any room in your head to think about anything else, just where you are and the next move.
It gets even better when you add in a weapon. Then you concentrate not only on yourself but also the position of the weapon, how it changes, how you have to move to use it properly. And if that's not enough you also concentrate on where your imaginary opponent would be.
I think the thing I like the most George is that unlike dancing, with TKD it's just you. You're not thinking about a potential audience, or a dance partner, you're not wondering how you look and sortof trying to pose or move in an attractive way. It's just you in your head, moving through the forms. All you're thinking about is doing it correctly.
Of course when I get to a higher level there will be other things to think about, like sparring. Which is going to be fun. But tonight I feel really...I want to say zen. But that's from the wrong Asian country. So let's just say I think I'll sleep really well tonight.
G'night George.
S
I'm really sleepy so I'm gonna be quick tonight. I went back to tae kwon do tonight for the first time in months. I forgot how much I love it.
There is something magic about moving your body through a form, it's like dancing, but better. It makes you concentrate on what each hand and foot and even finger is doing, their form and position in space. There isn't any room in your head to think about anything else, just where you are and the next move.
It gets even better when you add in a weapon. Then you concentrate not only on yourself but also the position of the weapon, how it changes, how you have to move to use it properly. And if that's not enough you also concentrate on where your imaginary opponent would be.
I think the thing I like the most George is that unlike dancing, with TKD it's just you. You're not thinking about a potential audience, or a dance partner, you're not wondering how you look and sortof trying to pose or move in an attractive way. It's just you in your head, moving through the forms. All you're thinking about is doing it correctly.
Of course when I get to a higher level there will be other things to think about, like sparring. Which is going to be fun. But tonight I feel really...I want to say zen. But that's from the wrong Asian country. So let's just say I think I'll sleep really well tonight.
G'night George.
S
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Preparation
Dear George,
I went to church today for the first time in a few weeks. I don't know why I haven't been going, but I haven't gone since the last time I taught Relief Society.
I missed it, the spirit and the people. And I think they missed me.
I met with the Bishop today, he wanted to check on me I think. While I was there I talked to him about my lesson for next week. It's on the fact that families can be together forever, and I wanted his advice on how to make it relevant to a room full of single sisters.
He said the most important thing for our ward is not to focus on which guy or girl is our eternal companion, but instead to make sure that we ourselves will make it to the Celestial Kingdom. He said finding an eternal companion does us no good if we don't make it to the Celestial Kingdom ourselves. So we should instead focus on preparing ourselves and the rest will fall into place.
The funny thing is this went right along with the lesson in Gospel Doctrine. It was on the parables of the 10 talents and the wise and foolish virgins. Basically that we should magnify the talents we have, and we should do everything we can to prepare for the coming of the Lord. That both the wise and the foolish virgins had faith that the bridegroom was coming, but the wise ones prepared themselves and so when He came they were ready.
Something someone said in the class really resonated with me. Someone said that many of us have as our ultimate goal to do the bare minimum to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. But we shouldn't just make it there, we should feel like we belong there once we get there. If we barely make it by the skin of our teeth, will we really feel like we belong?
I'm beginning to see (or being reminded when I forgot) that this is kind of like World of Warcraft. Lol, hear me out George. When you first start playing WoW, all you can think about is getting to the maximum level (when I started it was 70, then 80, now I hear it's 85). When you first start playing you feel like the ultimate thing is to get to the top level, that's the only goal you have. But there's a saying in WoW, "the game really begins at 70." or 80 or whatever.
Because in WoW, there is no "beating the game." Your whole focus shifts at max level, and the game you play becomes hugely more complicated and confusing and difficult. Many people make it to 80 and then don't or can't play the new game. So yes they're 80s, but just barely. They aren't really regarded by other max levels as serious or actual 80s, even though they made it to that level.
Back when I played, you didn't really "belong" unless you spent a LOT of time and effort preparing yourself. Learning how to play your character well both alone and also in large groups working together. Gathering the right materials, the right gear to be effective. Practicing your skills to become as proficient as possible. Only after you did these things, and proved yourself over time as a raider (or in the battlegrounds) did you really belong. Until then, you weren't really respected. If you wanted to join a raid, they might take you along with them if they couldn't find anyone else, but then again they might not. But if you prepared and got experience then you "belonged" on any raid you wanted to go on.
I thought I didn't learn much from the time I spent addicted to WoW, but sometimes it surprises me. I think that particular lesson applies not only to Church but also to life. You only really belong somewhere when you've prepared and put in the time and dedication.
I'm going to have to think about this some more. Night George.
S
P.s. I think JW has lost his phone again, it's going straight to voicemail. It's been a couple days and I'm a little concerned. Thinking about driving out to his place if I don't hear from him soon to make sure he's ok.
I went to church today for the first time in a few weeks. I don't know why I haven't been going, but I haven't gone since the last time I taught Relief Society.
I missed it, the spirit and the people. And I think they missed me.
I met with the Bishop today, he wanted to check on me I think. While I was there I talked to him about my lesson for next week. It's on the fact that families can be together forever, and I wanted his advice on how to make it relevant to a room full of single sisters.
He said the most important thing for our ward is not to focus on which guy or girl is our eternal companion, but instead to make sure that we ourselves will make it to the Celestial Kingdom. He said finding an eternal companion does us no good if we don't make it to the Celestial Kingdom ourselves. So we should instead focus on preparing ourselves and the rest will fall into place.
The funny thing is this went right along with the lesson in Gospel Doctrine. It was on the parables of the 10 talents and the wise and foolish virgins. Basically that we should magnify the talents we have, and we should do everything we can to prepare for the coming of the Lord. That both the wise and the foolish virgins had faith that the bridegroom was coming, but the wise ones prepared themselves and so when He came they were ready.
Something someone said in the class really resonated with me. Someone said that many of us have as our ultimate goal to do the bare minimum to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. But we shouldn't just make it there, we should feel like we belong there once we get there. If we barely make it by the skin of our teeth, will we really feel like we belong?
I'm beginning to see (or being reminded when I forgot) that this is kind of like World of Warcraft. Lol, hear me out George. When you first start playing WoW, all you can think about is getting to the maximum level (when I started it was 70, then 80, now I hear it's 85). When you first start playing you feel like the ultimate thing is to get to the top level, that's the only goal you have. But there's a saying in WoW, "the game really begins at 70." or 80 or whatever.
Because in WoW, there is no "beating the game." Your whole focus shifts at max level, and the game you play becomes hugely more complicated and confusing and difficult. Many people make it to 80 and then don't or can't play the new game. So yes they're 80s, but just barely. They aren't really regarded by other max levels as serious or actual 80s, even though they made it to that level.
Back when I played, you didn't really "belong" unless you spent a LOT of time and effort preparing yourself. Learning how to play your character well both alone and also in large groups working together. Gathering the right materials, the right gear to be effective. Practicing your skills to become as proficient as possible. Only after you did these things, and proved yourself over time as a raider (or in the battlegrounds) did you really belong. Until then, you weren't really respected. If you wanted to join a raid, they might take you along with them if they couldn't find anyone else, but then again they might not. But if you prepared and got experience then you "belonged" on any raid you wanted to go on.
I thought I didn't learn much from the time I spent addicted to WoW, but sometimes it surprises me. I think that particular lesson applies not only to Church but also to life. You only really belong somewhere when you've prepared and put in the time and dedication.
I'm going to have to think about this some more. Night George.
S
P.s. I think JW has lost his phone again, it's going straight to voicemail. It's been a couple days and I'm a little concerned. Thinking about driving out to his place if I don't hear from him soon to make sure he's ok.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Weird
Dear George,
I would just like to say that the sun is shining, it's hot outside, and the pool is calling my name, but I'm supposedly an adult, so I'm going to work.
I don't feel much like an adult George, but apparently I am. Who knew?
S
I would just like to say that the sun is shining, it's hot outside, and the pool is calling my name, but I'm supposedly an adult, so I'm going to work.
I don't feel much like an adult George, but apparently I am. Who knew?
S
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Err...chalk it up to lack of sleep?
Dear George,
So I owe you an apology. I haven't talked to you in forever and what do I do?? Vent like a crazy person at 4 in the morning. I'm sorry!
How are you? I hope you're doing something interesting. Me? Well I think I'm having a "I'm actually 30" midlife crisis, or whatever. Changing things around, my hair, my make up, nails are always done now etc... Oh! And I'm going to have lap band surgery in a couple months. I've decided, I deserve it, and I need the help. 30 years as the fat girl with the great personality is enough dues to pay, don't you think? Plus, i need to lose weight for health reasons, and for tae kwon do. And... between you and me I'm in love with my best friend. Or at least it FEELS like i'm in love with JW. Tbh, could just be a crush fueled by being lonely. But he is definitely not in love with me that way, and i'm sure part of it is he's not attracted to me. I don't expect having the lap band surgery to cause him to love me like that, but I'd like it if someone like him was attracted to me, you know? Most guys i attract are sort of...scrubs, i think is the word. Live at home in their mid to late twenties, work as waiters or in retail, no plans for school, no interest in bettering themselves etc... No passions, other than possibly video games. Grew up in the Church but can't really hold an intelligent discussion or debate about it. Either that, or i attract the extreme nerds, the ones so socially awkward its a little painful to be around them until they loosen up a little. I used to think i wanted a quiet guy, but after having JW as a friend i really want someone with an opinion, who isn't afraid to talk to someone he doesn't know. So extreme nerds are out. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not attracted at all to guys currently in my "league". JW would say that's dumb, that I can date whoever I want, etc etc... But he's either dead wrong or he's saying it to make me feel better. So I need to move up to a different league. I wanted to say "better" but that sounds terrible. So after years of dieting and failing, I'm going to have the surgery. I know I'll still have to diet, but I could use the help.
Other than that? My job is going great, I love the people I work with, even the ones I didn't get along with at first, and the work feels kind of like playing a video game. Customers give me a puzzle, i have to figure out what kind of puzzle it is, I have to figure out what actually happened not just what they say happened, even when they can't figure out how to describe it to me. I make decisions based on that, I have to figure out not only what THEY think they need but also what they REALLY need, then I have to figure out if what they want and what they need are possible within the law and the parameters of their contracts-which is NOT as easy as it sounds since different states handle things differently. I have to make sure everything is as fair as possible to everyone involved - even the people who aren't technically my customers. Then I plot a course to get from where they ended up back to where they should be, like all the steps that need to be taken. Then I go through the steps, as efficiently as possible, keeping in mind the steps could change as circumstances change.
Sometimes it's a little like being a detective, sometimes a therapist, sometimes a law clerk or something, accounts payable department, accounts receivable, mechanic, medical diagnostician, personal assistant, WOW raid healer (not main tank healer, that's too single minded, this is jumping from one task to another to another and applying just the right amount of force to keep them all going) and babysitter.
All while giving the best service to them I can, and making sure that every i is dotted and every t is crossed. No puzzle is ever the same, no customer reacts the same way. And while I work for them I also have to watch to make sure they're telling the truth, be on guard. I also have to be able to tell them no, while being as nice as possible. And I always, ALWAYS have to keep my cool, no matter what they are doing.
And I thought insurance was boring! It's a never ending video game with the sub plots of Law and Order and a soap opera. And that's just the customers!
I love the people I work with. In general, I have never worked with a nicer, friendlier, honest, more helpful, happier group of people in my whole life. It's like there's something in the water.
Of course everyone has a bad day every now and then, and there's bound to be a couple of surly people, but on the whole it's a great place to work.
I know this has been really long (again) and self absorbed, as usual, but if I can't be long winded and self absorbed with you George then who can I be that way with?
S
So I owe you an apology. I haven't talked to you in forever and what do I do?? Vent like a crazy person at 4 in the morning. I'm sorry!
How are you? I hope you're doing something interesting. Me? Well I think I'm having a "I'm actually 30" midlife crisis, or whatever. Changing things around, my hair, my make up, nails are always done now etc... Oh! And I'm going to have lap band surgery in a couple months. I've decided, I deserve it, and I need the help. 30 years as the fat girl with the great personality is enough dues to pay, don't you think? Plus, i need to lose weight for health reasons, and for tae kwon do. And... between you and me I'm in love with my best friend. Or at least it FEELS like i'm in love with JW. Tbh, could just be a crush fueled by being lonely. But he is definitely not in love with me that way, and i'm sure part of it is he's not attracted to me. I don't expect having the lap band surgery to cause him to love me like that, but I'd like it if someone like him was attracted to me, you know? Most guys i attract are sort of...scrubs, i think is the word. Live at home in their mid to late twenties, work as waiters or in retail, no plans for school, no interest in bettering themselves etc... No passions, other than possibly video games. Grew up in the Church but can't really hold an intelligent discussion or debate about it. Either that, or i attract the extreme nerds, the ones so socially awkward its a little painful to be around them until they loosen up a little. I used to think i wanted a quiet guy, but after having JW as a friend i really want someone with an opinion, who isn't afraid to talk to someone he doesn't know. So extreme nerds are out. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm not attracted at all to guys currently in my "league". JW would say that's dumb, that I can date whoever I want, etc etc... But he's either dead wrong or he's saying it to make me feel better. So I need to move up to a different league. I wanted to say "better" but that sounds terrible. So after years of dieting and failing, I'm going to have the surgery. I know I'll still have to diet, but I could use the help.
Other than that? My job is going great, I love the people I work with, even the ones I didn't get along with at first, and the work feels kind of like playing a video game. Customers give me a puzzle, i have to figure out what kind of puzzle it is, I have to figure out what actually happened not just what they say happened, even when they can't figure out how to describe it to me. I make decisions based on that, I have to figure out not only what THEY think they need but also what they REALLY need, then I have to figure out if what they want and what they need are possible within the law and the parameters of their contracts-which is NOT as easy as it sounds since different states handle things differently. I have to make sure everything is as fair as possible to everyone involved - even the people who aren't technically my customers. Then I plot a course to get from where they ended up back to where they should be, like all the steps that need to be taken. Then I go through the steps, as efficiently as possible, keeping in mind the steps could change as circumstances change.
Sometimes it's a little like being a detective, sometimes a therapist, sometimes a law clerk or something, accounts payable department, accounts receivable, mechanic, medical diagnostician, personal assistant, WOW raid healer (not main tank healer, that's too single minded, this is jumping from one task to another to another and applying just the right amount of force to keep them all going) and babysitter.
All while giving the best service to them I can, and making sure that every i is dotted and every t is crossed. No puzzle is ever the same, no customer reacts the same way. And while I work for them I also have to watch to make sure they're telling the truth, be on guard. I also have to be able to tell them no, while being as nice as possible. And I always, ALWAYS have to keep my cool, no matter what they are doing.
And I thought insurance was boring! It's a never ending video game with the sub plots of Law and Order and a soap opera. And that's just the customers!
I love the people I work with. In general, I have never worked with a nicer, friendlier, honest, more helpful, happier group of people in my whole life. It's like there's something in the water.
Of course everyone has a bad day every now and then, and there's bound to be a couple of surly people, but on the whole it's a great place to work.
I know this has been really long (again) and self absorbed, as usual, but if I can't be long winded and self absorbed with you George then who can I be that way with?
S
Dear George,
I'm feeling really melodramatic today, and a bit lonely. Ok, more than a bit. So here's my cry to the world, and the next world, and Heavenly Father.
Where are you???
I am so tired of being alone. I know I talk to you about it a lot, but that's mainly because I can't talk to anyone else about it. I'm supposed to be "ok" with being single, right? I'm not supposed to feel this...sad, and afraid? I don't know what emotion it is. But I'm not supposed to feel it.
I'm supposed to smile and say I'm enjoying my single life, right?
That I enjoy watching all my friends get married, that I'm totally and completely happy for them and not the least bit jealous and thinking that I can't believe I didn't have a date for their wedding and I'm glad they asked me to help out cause otherwise I'd be sitting at a table full of people I'm NOT dating, or worse, sitting by myself.
I should never worry that I'm 30, and how many more years will I be able to have a baby? And i know when I was younger i said i wasn't sure i'd ever want to have kids, but i was young and stupid then and i changed my mind and i'm worried it might never happen now. That a small part of me that i don't usually talk about and try not to think about wonders if I jinxed myself.
I should never be a little angry (just a little) with Heavenly Father because I'm still alone. I should accept with total calmness and serenity and a smile that there are many things that go into bringing eternal companions together, including the other person's agency and Heavenly Father only wants what is best for us so I should be patient and have faith.
I should never wish just for a moment that I didn't have to be patient, that some Friday nights I don't need what's best for me, sometimes I'd settle for what's ok for me as long as he'd hold my hand and the door for me. Maybe try and kiss me at the end. Not saying I need a makeout session but it'd be nice if someone wanted one.
I should be happy when yet another guy wants to be my best friend, but not actually date me. Because after all, it's not like I can ever have enough guy friends that talk to me about other girls. I shouldn't want to tell him to shove it, I have enough guy friends, I'm not your therapist, don't waste my time, date me or get out.
That there shouldn't be a tiny part of me that I work so hard to squash that wonders every time I meet someone new if he might be the right guy. That the tiny part of me that pipes up with that hope with every new guy is both wonderful but also a little bit of self torture. That there's another part of me that thinks it would be better to stop hoping altogether, because then maybe I'd stop hurting.
That there's another part of me that knows what people say, that when you stop looking for it then love happens, and wonders how in the heck do you stop looking for it so it'll happen? Isn't that just another way of looking for it??
I shouldn't look at myself on a regular basis both literally and figuratively and try and figure out what's wrong with me and what I should do about it.
That I shouldn't be tempted when my married friend tries to give me a book on how to sort of trap a man by changing the way you act around him. The book that she swears is the reason she's married. That I should be completely content with the thought that if he's the right guy then he'll love me no matter how I act or what makeup I wear.
That I should be perfectly happy in the knowledge that if I don't find an eternal companion in this life then I'll find him in the next. It's only 60-70 years, that's nothing compared to eternity, right?
That I should be excited at the prospect of focusing on my career, and look forward to serving in the family ward once I age out of the singles ward because I'll have much more time than the other women in the ward because I don't have a family. Think of all the good I can do!
And I shouldn't long with everything in my heart for someone to love me, to choose me out of everyone in the world. That I shouldn't have little silly dreams about life with someone who loves me and who I love, about laughing and weddings and babies and growing old together. Someone to hold on to when life gets hard. Someone to argue with and then make up with. Someone to tease and be teased by. And yes, if I'm admitting everything here, I'd like to have sex sometime in the next 60 years (with my with my husband). I think that'd be an experience I'd like to have in this life, not the next thank you very much.
I guess what I'm saying George, is I can pretend to be all those things, happy and serene and content, and sometimes I can even fool myself for a while. But I'm not really those things, and I must be ashamed that I'm not because I never talk about them to anyone. Except you. And you're nice and all, but you're no substitute for a husband. Heck, you're not even a substitute for a mediocre date. No offense. :-)
Where are you? I don't want to be these things anymore. I'm so tired.
S
I'm feeling really melodramatic today, and a bit lonely. Ok, more than a bit. So here's my cry to the world, and the next world, and Heavenly Father.
Where are you???
I am so tired of being alone. I know I talk to you about it a lot, but that's mainly because I can't talk to anyone else about it. I'm supposed to be "ok" with being single, right? I'm not supposed to feel this...sad, and afraid? I don't know what emotion it is. But I'm not supposed to feel it.
I'm supposed to smile and say I'm enjoying my single life, right?
That I enjoy watching all my friends get married, that I'm totally and completely happy for them and not the least bit jealous and thinking that I can't believe I didn't have a date for their wedding and I'm glad they asked me to help out cause otherwise I'd be sitting at a table full of people I'm NOT dating, or worse, sitting by myself.
I should never worry that I'm 30, and how many more years will I be able to have a baby? And i know when I was younger i said i wasn't sure i'd ever want to have kids, but i was young and stupid then and i changed my mind and i'm worried it might never happen now. That a small part of me that i don't usually talk about and try not to think about wonders if I jinxed myself.
I should never be a little angry (just a little) with Heavenly Father because I'm still alone. I should accept with total calmness and serenity and a smile that there are many things that go into bringing eternal companions together, including the other person's agency and Heavenly Father only wants what is best for us so I should be patient and have faith.
I should never wish just for a moment that I didn't have to be patient, that some Friday nights I don't need what's best for me, sometimes I'd settle for what's ok for me as long as he'd hold my hand and the door for me. Maybe try and kiss me at the end. Not saying I need a makeout session but it'd be nice if someone wanted one.
I should be happy when yet another guy wants to be my best friend, but not actually date me. Because after all, it's not like I can ever have enough guy friends that talk to me about other girls. I shouldn't want to tell him to shove it, I have enough guy friends, I'm not your therapist, don't waste my time, date me or get out.
That there shouldn't be a tiny part of me that I work so hard to squash that wonders every time I meet someone new if he might be the right guy. That the tiny part of me that pipes up with that hope with every new guy is both wonderful but also a little bit of self torture. That there's another part of me that thinks it would be better to stop hoping altogether, because then maybe I'd stop hurting.
That there's another part of me that knows what people say, that when you stop looking for it then love happens, and wonders how in the heck do you stop looking for it so it'll happen? Isn't that just another way of looking for it??
I shouldn't look at myself on a regular basis both literally and figuratively and try and figure out what's wrong with me and what I should do about it.
That I shouldn't be tempted when my married friend tries to give me a book on how to sort of trap a man by changing the way you act around him. The book that she swears is the reason she's married. That I should be completely content with the thought that if he's the right guy then he'll love me no matter how I act or what makeup I wear.
That I should be perfectly happy in the knowledge that if I don't find an eternal companion in this life then I'll find him in the next. It's only 60-70 years, that's nothing compared to eternity, right?
That I should be excited at the prospect of focusing on my career, and look forward to serving in the family ward once I age out of the singles ward because I'll have much more time than the other women in the ward because I don't have a family. Think of all the good I can do!
And I shouldn't long with everything in my heart for someone to love me, to choose me out of everyone in the world. That I shouldn't have little silly dreams about life with someone who loves me and who I love, about laughing and weddings and babies and growing old together. Someone to hold on to when life gets hard. Someone to argue with and then make up with. Someone to tease and be teased by. And yes, if I'm admitting everything here, I'd like to have sex sometime in the next 60 years (with my with my husband). I think that'd be an experience I'd like to have in this life, not the next thank you very much.
I guess what I'm saying George, is I can pretend to be all those things, happy and serene and content, and sometimes I can even fool myself for a while. But I'm not really those things, and I must be ashamed that I'm not because I never talk about them to anyone. Except you. And you're nice and all, but you're no substitute for a husband. Heck, you're not even a substitute for a mediocre date. No offense. :-)
Where are you? I don't want to be these things anymore. I'm so tired.
S
Location:A cry into space
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
For good
Dear George,
Lately I have been spending a lot of time on YouTube. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. :-)
I found this song, from the musical Wicked, that has really spoken to me. I wanted to share it with you. Normally I wouldn't quote someone else's stuff to you, but this is important.
It goes like this -
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
George, I don't think about it often enough, I don't think I'm grateful enough. But this done has reminded me of how different things would have been if people hadn't been brought into my life.
Years ago, I was soooo unhappy. And yes, I know that sometimes I complain now, but I think that's mostly because I like to complain. Where I was years ago was so far away from where I am now there's no comparison.
Years ago, I was alone. I was so unhappy, and lonesome, and miserable. All I wanted was to return to Heavenly Father as quickly as possible. Somehow I knew He could make it all better.
It was so bad that I worked out a plan and everything. I just never picked a day. Back then I wasn't sure if killing myself would make my final act a sin and condemn me to hell. I was afraid I would be trading one short lifetime of unhappiness for an eternity of misery away from Heavenly Father.
And then things started happening, and at the time I didn't recognize God's hand in it. I wish I had though, because looking back on it I am amazed at the things He did for me. At the people who came into my life. I wish I would have been aware of all the changes and lifelines He gave me as they were happening. But then again maybe it's better I didn't know. I'm not the bravest person, it might have freaked me out!
There wasn't one person who changed everything. But everything did change, because He intervened.
From a kitten that needed to be loved when I needed someone to love and take my mind off myself.
To an old friend who came back into my life and exposed me to the Gospel.
To the missionaries who met with me week in and week out, who never complained even though I KNEW the Church was true but I was too afraid to DO anything about it for months. Who ran out of lessons and regular movies and so we watched Johnny Lingo. Who never knew that Johnny Lingo probably had a lot to do with me finally agreeing to be baptized because i started to understand what being a daughter of God could be like.
To the Church family who let us meet in their house every week, even though they must have been very busy with their own lives.
To the older lady who loaned me her Temple dress to be baptized in cause I thought I'd look ridiculous in the jumpsuit because I didn't know that EVERYONE wore the jumpsuits, but she never said a word and I felt pretty at my baptism.
To the Relief Society president who spoke with me in the changing room before the baptism and I don't remember what she said but I know it made me feel so loved, accepted, and that she was so proud of me. And we talked for so long my friend come in and said it sounded like we were singing from the other room and it was odd for us to be singing in the bathroom.
To the missionary who was standing waist deep in the water and he held out his hand to help me down the stairs and into my new life. Who averted his eyes when my skirt accidentally floated for a second.
To the Bishop and the other men who gave me the Gift of the Holy Ghost and didn't say one word about my transparent top over a undershirt with spaghetti straps because they knew I didn't know any better modesty wise and they didn't want to embarrass me.
To all the men who taught me what being a gentleman was all about, who were patient with me when I constantly caused traffic jams in hallways and restaurants because I didn't expect them to let me walk first and they never expected anything else.
To people who decided they were my friends, and didn't let me drop off the face of the planet when I tried to go inscribe.
To the missionaries, multiple sets of them, who were my friends when I didn't know I needed them. Who reminded me where I belonged and why. Who loved me, when no one asked them to and they didn't have to.
To my friend who was looking into the Church and asked sooo many questions it made me examine my own faith to figure out how to put into words what I believe and why.
To the Bishop who loves me, even though I told him the worst thing I have ever done. Who looked at me while I was telling him and still saw someone he loved. Who was proud of me when I was anything but proud of myself. Who saw my potential and gave me guidance and a calling to grow in. Who believed it and made me believe it when he said "you're going to make it."
To my old boss, who put up with me for years so I could grow and learn to be a better person. Who brought a little of the Church with him to work, who said it was his job not only to help grow the company but also to help grow us as people. Who, when it was time for me to go, let me go with dignity and genuine caring. Who was really happy for me when I found my new job.
To my parents, who didn't sign up to parent a depressed, lying, cheating stubborn daughter for 25 years only to have her join a "cult." who were understanding enough in the end to realize what that "cult" had done for that daughter, in making her a happy, honest, still stubborn daughter of almost 30. Who still didn't understand why she needed to convert to change, but accepted it, and loved her anyways.
All of these people, and so many more I don't even know about or remember. All of these people changed me because I knew them.
My life before was that brook running through the woods, only it was heading running through deep dark places heading for the edge of a cliff. And then like the song says, I met a boulder, or a few boulders, and they changed my course.
That didn't mean I left the darkness all at once. But years later looking back on it I know I left it behind, I know I have been changed because I knew those people. And like the song says later, I do believe I have been changed for good.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Lately I have been spending a lot of time on YouTube. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not. :-)
I found this song, from the musical Wicked, that has really spoken to me. I wanted to share it with you. Normally I wouldn't quote someone else's stuff to you, but this is important.
It goes like this -
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
George, I don't think about it often enough, I don't think I'm grateful enough. But this done has reminded me of how different things would have been if people hadn't been brought into my life.
Years ago, I was soooo unhappy. And yes, I know that sometimes I complain now, but I think that's mostly because I like to complain. Where I was years ago was so far away from where I am now there's no comparison.
Years ago, I was alone. I was so unhappy, and lonesome, and miserable. All I wanted was to return to Heavenly Father as quickly as possible. Somehow I knew He could make it all better.
It was so bad that I worked out a plan and everything. I just never picked a day. Back then I wasn't sure if killing myself would make my final act a sin and condemn me to hell. I was afraid I would be trading one short lifetime of unhappiness for an eternity of misery away from Heavenly Father.
And then things started happening, and at the time I didn't recognize God's hand in it. I wish I had though, because looking back on it I am amazed at the things He did for me. At the people who came into my life. I wish I would have been aware of all the changes and lifelines He gave me as they were happening. But then again maybe it's better I didn't know. I'm not the bravest person, it might have freaked me out!
There wasn't one person who changed everything. But everything did change, because He intervened.
From a kitten that needed to be loved when I needed someone to love and take my mind off myself.
To an old friend who came back into my life and exposed me to the Gospel.
To the missionaries who met with me week in and week out, who never complained even though I KNEW the Church was true but I was too afraid to DO anything about it for months. Who ran out of lessons and regular movies and so we watched Johnny Lingo. Who never knew that Johnny Lingo probably had a lot to do with me finally agreeing to be baptized because i started to understand what being a daughter of God could be like.
To the Church family who let us meet in their house every week, even though they must have been very busy with their own lives.
To the older lady who loaned me her Temple dress to be baptized in cause I thought I'd look ridiculous in the jumpsuit because I didn't know that EVERYONE wore the jumpsuits, but she never said a word and I felt pretty at my baptism.
To the Relief Society president who spoke with me in the changing room before the baptism and I don't remember what she said but I know it made me feel so loved, accepted, and that she was so proud of me. And we talked for so long my friend come in and said it sounded like we were singing from the other room and it was odd for us to be singing in the bathroom.
To the missionary who was standing waist deep in the water and he held out his hand to help me down the stairs and into my new life. Who averted his eyes when my skirt accidentally floated for a second.
To the Bishop and the other men who gave me the Gift of the Holy Ghost and didn't say one word about my transparent top over a undershirt with spaghetti straps because they knew I didn't know any better modesty wise and they didn't want to embarrass me.
To all the men who taught me what being a gentleman was all about, who were patient with me when I constantly caused traffic jams in hallways and restaurants because I didn't expect them to let me walk first and they never expected anything else.
To people who decided they were my friends, and didn't let me drop off the face of the planet when I tried to go inscribe.
To the missionaries, multiple sets of them, who were my friends when I didn't know I needed them. Who reminded me where I belonged and why. Who loved me, when no one asked them to and they didn't have to.
To my friend who was looking into the Church and asked sooo many questions it made me examine my own faith to figure out how to put into words what I believe and why.
To the Bishop who loves me, even though I told him the worst thing I have ever done. Who looked at me while I was telling him and still saw someone he loved. Who was proud of me when I was anything but proud of myself. Who saw my potential and gave me guidance and a calling to grow in. Who believed it and made me believe it when he said "you're going to make it."
To my old boss, who put up with me for years so I could grow and learn to be a better person. Who brought a little of the Church with him to work, who said it was his job not only to help grow the company but also to help grow us as people. Who, when it was time for me to go, let me go with dignity and genuine caring. Who was really happy for me when I found my new job.
To my parents, who didn't sign up to parent a depressed, lying, cheating stubborn daughter for 25 years only to have her join a "cult." who were understanding enough in the end to realize what that "cult" had done for that daughter, in making her a happy, honest, still stubborn daughter of almost 30. Who still didn't understand why she needed to convert to change, but accepted it, and loved her anyways.
All of these people, and so many more I don't even know about or remember. All of these people changed me because I knew them.
My life before was that brook running through the woods, only it was heading running through deep dark places heading for the edge of a cliff. And then like the song says, I met a boulder, or a few boulders, and they changed my course.
That didn't mean I left the darkness all at once. But years later looking back on it I know I left it behind, I know I have been changed because I knew those people. And like the song says later, I do believe I have been changed for good.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Hiking and bird...listening?
Dear George,
So last week one of my best friends in the whole world dragged me out of the house at the crack of dawn to go "hiking". I don't know if you know this George, but I live in the middle of a big city (well the suburbs anyways). JW must have looked a long time online to find us somewhere to hike. And even then it was about 45 minutes away. At the time I was like "WHY am I up this early??? Why am I battling rush hour traffic when I could still be in bed???"
I am soooo glad I did!
So we went to this Audubon center to hike. You haven't met JW but he and I are probably the worst candidates for bird watching ever created. We talk WAY too much. I had this thought while we were hiking that I was really glad we aren't soldiers or we didn't live back in the days when the commanches were still raiding in the area I live. Cause we made so much noise crashing around looking for birds it was ridiculous.
BUT it was the most wonderful morning. We talked, JW tried to strike off into the woods on "paths" that most of the time I couldn't see, I worried way too much about snakes (I think its still too cold for them), the day was absolutely perfect, sun shining, cool, breeze blowing. I told JW I had never climbed a tree, so he decided to find me one to climb. In my defense, in the neighborhood I grew up in they had cut down all the trees before they built the houses. So the only trees were baby ones in people's yards.
Did I mention JW can talk me into just about anything? He comes up with some crazy idea and I say no way I'm doing that and then somehow the next thing I know I'm doing it.
So we left the path, and we were following these tracks. At the time I didn't know what kind of tracks they were. About 3 inches across, with 3 toes. It didn't look like they had any claws or anything. But I was a little concerned we were following something that might eat us...I think it was actually a deer, we never saw it though. Anyways, JW found this tree that was at a slant, hanging out over a tiny creek. He said it was perfect. First we had to get across the creek. JW is a lanky 6.7, so he just stepped across. I, however am a rather round 5.3. Lol so he talked me into jumping over, and he would catch me. So I did, and he did. But it was funny cause I guess I hadn't realized what a girl I am!
So I climbed the tree, and JW stood underneath me like he was going to catch me if I fell. Which is rather silly cause if I fell I would want him to get out of the way so he didn't get hurt. Not for any unselfish reasons, but because SOMEONE needs to be able to go get help! But it was very sweet, he is such a gentleman.
So then we hiked some more, and talked some more. And we heard a woodpecker in a dead tree, but we looked and looked and we never saw it. We just heard it. Does it count as birdwatching if we don't actually see the birds??
And then this really cool thing happened. We were talking about a mutual friend who I am worried about and JW was like "we should pray about it." now George, you know I'm a convert to the Church, and even after 5-6 years I'm still uncomfortable with praying out loud anywhere but at Church or in my own home. The cool thing about JW? He's only been in the Church for less than a year. But he's so comfortable with things like that. So we sat on a bench in the middle of the woods and prayed together. It was amazing!
The whole morning felt like a vacation. And all of this happened before 11:30! Lol I had to be at work at 1, but I felt soooo good and recharged. It made my week!!
So we're doing it again on Friday. Somewhere different this time. And JW is bringing his new friend G, and I invited my friend, the one I'm worried about. She's the one I wrote about in a previous blog. I'm still not sure exactly what to do to help her, but I figure she could probably use a mini-vacation too.
-S
So last week one of my best friends in the whole world dragged me out of the house at the crack of dawn to go "hiking". I don't know if you know this George, but I live in the middle of a big city (well the suburbs anyways). JW must have looked a long time online to find us somewhere to hike. And even then it was about 45 minutes away. At the time I was like "WHY am I up this early??? Why am I battling rush hour traffic when I could still be in bed???"
I am soooo glad I did!
So we went to this Audubon center to hike. You haven't met JW but he and I are probably the worst candidates for bird watching ever created. We talk WAY too much. I had this thought while we were hiking that I was really glad we aren't soldiers or we didn't live back in the days when the commanches were still raiding in the area I live. Cause we made so much noise crashing around looking for birds it was ridiculous.
BUT it was the most wonderful morning. We talked, JW tried to strike off into the woods on "paths" that most of the time I couldn't see, I worried way too much about snakes (I think its still too cold for them), the day was absolutely perfect, sun shining, cool, breeze blowing. I told JW I had never climbed a tree, so he decided to find me one to climb. In my defense, in the neighborhood I grew up in they had cut down all the trees before they built the houses. So the only trees were baby ones in people's yards.
Did I mention JW can talk me into just about anything? He comes up with some crazy idea and I say no way I'm doing that and then somehow the next thing I know I'm doing it.
So we left the path, and we were following these tracks. At the time I didn't know what kind of tracks they were. About 3 inches across, with 3 toes. It didn't look like they had any claws or anything. But I was a little concerned we were following something that might eat us...I think it was actually a deer, we never saw it though. Anyways, JW found this tree that was at a slant, hanging out over a tiny creek. He said it was perfect. First we had to get across the creek. JW is a lanky 6.7, so he just stepped across. I, however am a rather round 5.3. Lol so he talked me into jumping over, and he would catch me. So I did, and he did. But it was funny cause I guess I hadn't realized what a girl I am!
So I climbed the tree, and JW stood underneath me like he was going to catch me if I fell. Which is rather silly cause if I fell I would want him to get out of the way so he didn't get hurt. Not for any unselfish reasons, but because SOMEONE needs to be able to go get help! But it was very sweet, he is such a gentleman.
So then we hiked some more, and talked some more. And we heard a woodpecker in a dead tree, but we looked and looked and we never saw it. We just heard it. Does it count as birdwatching if we don't actually see the birds??
And then this really cool thing happened. We were talking about a mutual friend who I am worried about and JW was like "we should pray about it." now George, you know I'm a convert to the Church, and even after 5-6 years I'm still uncomfortable with praying out loud anywhere but at Church or in my own home. The cool thing about JW? He's only been in the Church for less than a year. But he's so comfortable with things like that. So we sat on a bench in the middle of the woods and prayed together. It was amazing!
The whole morning felt like a vacation. And all of this happened before 11:30! Lol I had to be at work at 1, but I felt soooo good and recharged. It made my week!!
So we're doing it again on Friday. Somewhere different this time. And JW is bringing his new friend G, and I invited my friend, the one I'm worried about. She's the one I wrote about in a previous blog. I'm still not sure exactly what to do to help her, but I figure she could probably use a mini-vacation too.
-S
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Understanding
Dear George,
So there's this song I like by Miranda Lambert (I think it's by her, I'm terrible with remembering who sings what). I think it's called "a heart like mine" or something like that.
Anyways, the basic premise of the song is the singer is not a perfect person, and who is? But they think Heavenly Father and Jesus will understand. The lyric that bothers me goes something like -
I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine,
He healed the sick and cured the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine
So then in the verses the singer talks about things she does that other people might think are wrong. Tattoos, smoking, drinking, etc...but according to the chorus Jesus will understand all these things so it's ok. And He (or someone) will meet her at the pearly gates with "two long stemmed glasses" and make a toast to her coming home.
George, I'm totally not disputing that Jesus and Heavenly Father will understand her heart. I think they will because she's a child of God and he loves her. But understanding her and forgiving her actions are two very different things.
I have a friend I grew up with who introduced me to the Church. She is going through some terrible things now, her marriage has fallen apart (not really her fault, her husband seemingly was cheating on her since before they were married) and she is very unhappy. She used to be very active in the Church, and she was endowed.
I spoke to her about how I'm going to be endowed in May and I wanted her to be there. She told me she couldn't, that she has made choices that won't allow her to go to the Temple. To be honest, I knew this, but I was hoping she might start the repentance process and come back to where she belongs. She is soooo unhappy right now, she needs her community and the Spirit and to be reminded she's a daughter of God and He loves her.
She said she doesn't want to come back. I asked her if she wasn't worried about eternal consequences. Ok so that sounds terrible but I didn't ask her like that. We had a whole long conversation. And I asked her because I'M worried about eternal consequences for her. It would be horrible if she is this unhappy in this life, and then because of choices she has made she is unhappy in the next life. It sounds like I'm judging her, and maybe I am to a small extent. But mainly I am worried about her.
She basically told me what that song says. Only in her case it was more along the lines of Heavenly Father knows how much she's gone through and how much she's hurting and He'll understand and forgive her. That she doesn't need to change or go through the repentance process. And I'm not sure but I think she doesn't feel bad or whatever for the choices she has made. She feels they were...maybe necessary, and excusable.
I love her, and I KNOW Heavenly Father loves her. But I think if we make choices that lead us to sin, Heavenly Father has two options. Either we take the gift we were given in the atonement and repent and become clean, or we are subject to justice, without mercy. I KNOW that Heavenly Father wants each of us to return to Him, but we all have to use the atonement to get there.
This whole thing is a dangerous idea the world has right now that just because Heavenly Father loves us, and understands our hearts and minds, that he will justify any action we take based on that understanding.
My friend saved my life by introducing me to the Church (literally saved my life, but that's a story for another day). How can I help her now? Without alienating her or making it seem like I'm judging her? How can I show her I LOVE her and she seems to be lost and I wouldn't bother her about her choices if I didn't care about her?
I don't know how George. Any ideas?
-S
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So there's this song I like by Miranda Lambert (I think it's by her, I'm terrible with remembering who sings what). I think it's called "a heart like mine" or something like that.
Anyways, the basic premise of the song is the singer is not a perfect person, and who is? But they think Heavenly Father and Jesus will understand. The lyric that bothers me goes something like -
I heard Jesus he drank wine,
And I bet we'd get along just fine,
He healed the sick and cured the blind,
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine
So then in the verses the singer talks about things she does that other people might think are wrong. Tattoos, smoking, drinking, etc...but according to the chorus Jesus will understand all these things so it's ok. And He (or someone) will meet her at the pearly gates with "two long stemmed glasses" and make a toast to her coming home.
George, I'm totally not disputing that Jesus and Heavenly Father will understand her heart. I think they will because she's a child of God and he loves her. But understanding her and forgiving her actions are two very different things.
I have a friend I grew up with who introduced me to the Church. She is going through some terrible things now, her marriage has fallen apart (not really her fault, her husband seemingly was cheating on her since before they were married) and she is very unhappy. She used to be very active in the Church, and she was endowed.
I spoke to her about how I'm going to be endowed in May and I wanted her to be there. She told me she couldn't, that she has made choices that won't allow her to go to the Temple. To be honest, I knew this, but I was hoping she might start the repentance process and come back to where she belongs. She is soooo unhappy right now, she needs her community and the Spirit and to be reminded she's a daughter of God and He loves her.
She said she doesn't want to come back. I asked her if she wasn't worried about eternal consequences. Ok so that sounds terrible but I didn't ask her like that. We had a whole long conversation. And I asked her because I'M worried about eternal consequences for her. It would be horrible if she is this unhappy in this life, and then because of choices she has made she is unhappy in the next life. It sounds like I'm judging her, and maybe I am to a small extent. But mainly I am worried about her.
She basically told me what that song says. Only in her case it was more along the lines of Heavenly Father knows how much she's gone through and how much she's hurting and He'll understand and forgive her. That she doesn't need to change or go through the repentance process. And I'm not sure but I think she doesn't feel bad or whatever for the choices she has made. She feels they were...maybe necessary, and excusable.
I love her, and I KNOW Heavenly Father loves her. But I think if we make choices that lead us to sin, Heavenly Father has two options. Either we take the gift we were given in the atonement and repent and become clean, or we are subject to justice, without mercy. I KNOW that Heavenly Father wants each of us to return to Him, but we all have to use the atonement to get there.
This whole thing is a dangerous idea the world has right now that just because Heavenly Father loves us, and understands our hearts and minds, that he will justify any action we take based on that understanding.
My friend saved my life by introducing me to the Church (literally saved my life, but that's a story for another day). How can I help her now? Without alienating her or making it seem like I'm judging her? How can I show her I LOVE her and she seems to be lost and I wouldn't bother her about her choices if I didn't care about her?
I don't know how George. Any ideas?
-S
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
At night when I'm alone
Dear George,
You know that most of the time I try to put a brave face on the fact that I'm alone. I can usually remind myself that I was promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will eventually find my eternal companion, and that he will love me and we will return to Heavenly Father together.
If not in this life then in the next. And I remind myself how fast the first 29 years of my life have gone by, and how every year seems to come faster and faster. So if I never find him in this life it really isn't that long of a time. Compared to eternity.
And most of the time all of that is true. Most of the time I can say honestly that I am trusting in Heavenly Father and if I have to wait then I have to wait.
But I never ever tell people that sometimes late at night when I am lying alone in the dark where no one can see, I cry. Most of the time it doesn't hurt me that I'm alone. But sometimes it hurts sooo much. I know my eternal companion is out there, and that he's looking for me. And yes, I know that there's no one person I am "meant" to be with, no soul mate. But I know that the person I will eventually marry is out there somewhere.
That should be hopeful, right? Then why do I feel so sad about it?
I know that when we're ready to be together we will be. And until then I just need to focus on getting ready. Growing as a person and in the gospel.
I just pray that he's happy, and safe. And that wherever he is he knows that I am looking for him too, and that he is loved.
And in my heart of hearts I pray a selfish prayer that Heavenly Father will lead us to each other soon.
S
You know that most of the time I try to put a brave face on the fact that I'm alone. I can usually remind myself that I was promised in my patriarchal blessing that I will eventually find my eternal companion, and that he will love me and we will return to Heavenly Father together.
If not in this life then in the next. And I remind myself how fast the first 29 years of my life have gone by, and how every year seems to come faster and faster. So if I never find him in this life it really isn't that long of a time. Compared to eternity.
And most of the time all of that is true. Most of the time I can say honestly that I am trusting in Heavenly Father and if I have to wait then I have to wait.
But I never ever tell people that sometimes late at night when I am lying alone in the dark where no one can see, I cry. Most of the time it doesn't hurt me that I'm alone. But sometimes it hurts sooo much. I know my eternal companion is out there, and that he's looking for me. And yes, I know that there's no one person I am "meant" to be with, no soul mate. But I know that the person I will eventually marry is out there somewhere.
That should be hopeful, right? Then why do I feel so sad about it?
I know that when we're ready to be together we will be. And until then I just need to focus on getting ready. Growing as a person and in the gospel.
I just pray that he's happy, and safe. And that wherever he is he knows that I am looking for him too, and that he is loved.
And in my heart of hearts I pray a selfish prayer that Heavenly Father will lead us to each other soon.
S
Friday, March 11, 2011
Things my CEO said
Dear George,
A while ago the CEO of my company came and spoke to a group of us. He makes it his policy to "meet" with every new associate. Keep in mind I work for a VERY large company, so it is really cool he does that. It's not one on one though, he totally doesn't have time for that! So there were like 30 of us in the room. He spoke for a while and then opened it up for questions. I wrote down some things he said because I want to remember them, and I thought they were cool so I'm sharing them with you. He was a really nice guy and you can tell that my company REALLY cares about it's employees.
About the company -
The sole source of security and opportunity comes from the customers.
About how to succeed in our company, and in life -
Have uncompromising integrity.
Invest for total long term after taxes return. In your health, education, family, etc...
Those who recognize opportunity and take full advantage of it rise to the top of the pyramid.
It doesn't really matter how smart you are, other things matter too. He quoted Warren Buffet "If your IQ's 150 give back 30 cause you don't need it."
What will bring you the most happiness is doing something you love, that's worthwhile, with people you care about.
Try your level best to not do anything or say anything that would lead people to question your integrity, honesty, or motivation.
Be your own best critic.
You've gotta work harder than anyone else, but you've gotta be able to give others credit for it.
Beyond your first job, people will determine your success. Be a team player.
Any time someone expects more of you than you do of yourself then you're already losing.
Be lucky. Which means - have the ability to recognize opportunity and prepare so well that you can take advantage of it before it's too late.
If you want a good mentor, find someone who knows enough about you and will tell you everything that's wrong with you. Who will tell you how to take advantage of your strengths, and overcome your weaknesses. Someone who will never let you be satisfied. Don't let them get too close to you though, or they will become reluctant to tell you the truth all the time.
Too many people do not go after their own abilities. Most people are where they are because of their comfort level, not because of their ability.
Be curious about our industry and company.
Be curious in general.
How do you succeed? You just have to want to.
What to focus on to advance quickly in life and in the company.
Dependability
No swear words
Tithe
No debt
Be a team player
Top scores
Be driven
Be curious
How cool is that George? That I get to work for a company that cares about us enough that the CEO takes the time when he's in town to meet with the associates like that? I LOVE it!!
S
A while ago the CEO of my company came and spoke to a group of us. He makes it his policy to "meet" with every new associate. Keep in mind I work for a VERY large company, so it is really cool he does that. It's not one on one though, he totally doesn't have time for that! So there were like 30 of us in the room. He spoke for a while and then opened it up for questions. I wrote down some things he said because I want to remember them, and I thought they were cool so I'm sharing them with you. He was a really nice guy and you can tell that my company REALLY cares about it's employees.
About the company -
The sole source of security and opportunity comes from the customers.
About how to succeed in our company, and in life -
Have uncompromising integrity.
Invest for total long term after taxes return. In your health, education, family, etc...
Those who recognize opportunity and take full advantage of it rise to the top of the pyramid.
It doesn't really matter how smart you are, other things matter too. He quoted Warren Buffet "If your IQ's 150 give back 30 cause you don't need it."
What will bring you the most happiness is doing something you love, that's worthwhile, with people you care about.
Try your level best to not do anything or say anything that would lead people to question your integrity, honesty, or motivation.
Be your own best critic.
You've gotta work harder than anyone else, but you've gotta be able to give others credit for it.
Beyond your first job, people will determine your success. Be a team player.
Any time someone expects more of you than you do of yourself then you're already losing.
Be lucky. Which means - have the ability to recognize opportunity and prepare so well that you can take advantage of it before it's too late.
If you want a good mentor, find someone who knows enough about you and will tell you everything that's wrong with you. Who will tell you how to take advantage of your strengths, and overcome your weaknesses. Someone who will never let you be satisfied. Don't let them get too close to you though, or they will become reluctant to tell you the truth all the time.
Too many people do not go after their own abilities. Most people are where they are because of their comfort level, not because of their ability.
Be curious about our industry and company.
Be curious in general.
How do you succeed? You just have to want to.
What to focus on to advance quickly in life and in the company.
Dependability
No swear words
Tithe
No debt
Be a team player
Top scores
Be driven
Be curious
How cool is that George? That I get to work for a company that cares about us enough that the CEO takes the time when he's in town to meet with the associates like that? I LOVE it!!
S
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Quid clarius astris?
Dear George,
What is brighter than the stars?
Actually, I'm kindof asking. My little brother who is not so little showed me a picture of our family crest. My family is from Scotland originally, and that is the family motto.
The crest is pretty cool, it's a blue shield with nine stars on it, with the usual flourishes around the shield, and a knight's helmet on top.
But what I really want to know is how did they pick that family motto? Most of the time the mottos are something about loyalty or bravery or Christianity.
I figure there has to be a story behind that one. But I can't find it online. Granted, I only looked for a little while. But the motto is hundreds of years old, so the story may have been lost.
Another variation of the motto is "in caligine lucet" which translates as "it shines in the dark." so now I'm thinking there MUST be some kind of story...why 9 stars? Why the mottos about the darkness and shining? Sooo many questions!!
So George, what is brighter than the stars? That shines in the dark?
S
What is brighter than the stars?
Actually, I'm kindof asking. My little brother who is not so little showed me a picture of our family crest. My family is from Scotland originally, and that is the family motto.
The crest is pretty cool, it's a blue shield with nine stars on it, with the usual flourishes around the shield, and a knight's helmet on top.
But what I really want to know is how did they pick that family motto? Most of the time the mottos are something about loyalty or bravery or Christianity.
I figure there has to be a story behind that one. But I can't find it online. Granted, I only looked for a little while. But the motto is hundreds of years old, so the story may have been lost.
Another variation of the motto is "in caligine lucet" which translates as "it shines in the dark." so now I'm thinking there MUST be some kind of story...why 9 stars? Why the mottos about the darkness and shining? Sooo many questions!!
So George, what is brighter than the stars? That shines in the dark?
S
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Dear George,
Have you ever met someone and known you were supposed to be with them?
I went with 3 of my girl friends to see a movie tonight. We saw the Adjustment Bureau. It's a really cool movie, and you should go see it when you have a chance. Anyways, in the movie this guy meets this girl and there's an instant connection, and then he has to fight to be with her. Even though he's only seen her a couple times. He knows he's meant to be with her.
Now I know it doesn't always work that way, that there are many different people we could end up with and be happy. That we don't have "soulmates" in that sense, but we can find true love that will last for eternity.
But what do you do when you meet someone and you KNOW you're supposed to be with them, but they don't feel the same way?
The first time I ever saw SD he got up in fast and testimony meeting and bore his testimony. I'm sorry to say I don't remember what his overall point was, but I do remember one thing. I remember he said something about how he used to not brush his teeth every day because he'd just have to brush them the next day. First of all I thought it was really funny that he'd get up and say something like that to a room full of single women. Not exactly something that would make him date material. But...for me it actually DID make him date material. I remember thinking about what it would be like if he was my husband and got up in front of people and said things like that. Even now it makes me just grin and shake my head.
Then later on I was waiting to meet with the Bishop and SD was sitting outside the office next to me an we got to talking. And he told me he was working on a screenplay for a movie. It was a zombie comedy...yeah I know...I never said he wasn't a bit odd. Anyways, I remember thinking that I'm going to have to talk about zombie comedies for the next few years since that was what he was working on and we were going to be together. I don't LIKE zombie movies, they scare me. And I have trouble imagining a zombie comedy.
But I just knew I'd have to learn to like them. Because he did.
And then I had sortof put that in the back of my mind and I was talking to Heavenly Father one night. To be honest I was kindof being a smart alec with Heavenly Father. A girl in my ward had spoken about how we need to have an eternal companion to progress through eternity. And I was kindof smarting off to Heavenly Father about it. Basically I said "ok, so I have to marry someone to return to you. So point him out. Who is he?" and I started naming random names in the singles ward. I was NOT being serious. But I named a couple people and then I names SD, and I got a yes. Not a little yes, but a YES. And I was like...wait...what? No I was joking... And I still had the yes. So I asked Heavenly Father what I should do with that information and he basically said "nothing". He said to be patient, and work on getting my life in order.
I am not a patient person. If there is ONE thing I am here to learn it's to be patient. AND I know that a "yes" doesn't always mean exactly "yes". Sometimes it means yes you'll be with this person, and sometimes it means yes they'd be a good person to be with, and sometimes it means yes you should ACT like you're going to be with this person because that will take you down a path that will teach you something you need to know.
But just between you and me George, sometimes I really really wish it was just YES. And I really wish SD would get the same message. There was a line in the movie that was something like "this is the first time in 25 years that I haven't felt alone."
Some days I am very tired of being alone. Some days I wish I had someone, even if I had to fight for them.
S
Have you ever met someone and known you were supposed to be with them?
I went with 3 of my girl friends to see a movie tonight. We saw the Adjustment Bureau. It's a really cool movie, and you should go see it when you have a chance. Anyways, in the movie this guy meets this girl and there's an instant connection, and then he has to fight to be with her. Even though he's only seen her a couple times. He knows he's meant to be with her.
Now I know it doesn't always work that way, that there are many different people we could end up with and be happy. That we don't have "soulmates" in that sense, but we can find true love that will last for eternity.
But what do you do when you meet someone and you KNOW you're supposed to be with them, but they don't feel the same way?
The first time I ever saw SD he got up in fast and testimony meeting and bore his testimony. I'm sorry to say I don't remember what his overall point was, but I do remember one thing. I remember he said something about how he used to not brush his teeth every day because he'd just have to brush them the next day. First of all I thought it was really funny that he'd get up and say something like that to a room full of single women. Not exactly something that would make him date material. But...for me it actually DID make him date material. I remember thinking about what it would be like if he was my husband and got up in front of people and said things like that. Even now it makes me just grin and shake my head.
Then later on I was waiting to meet with the Bishop and SD was sitting outside the office next to me an we got to talking. And he told me he was working on a screenplay for a movie. It was a zombie comedy...yeah I know...I never said he wasn't a bit odd. Anyways, I remember thinking that I'm going to have to talk about zombie comedies for the next few years since that was what he was working on and we were going to be together. I don't LIKE zombie movies, they scare me. And I have trouble imagining a zombie comedy.
But I just knew I'd have to learn to like them. Because he did.
And then I had sortof put that in the back of my mind and I was talking to Heavenly Father one night. To be honest I was kindof being a smart alec with Heavenly Father. A girl in my ward had spoken about how we need to have an eternal companion to progress through eternity. And I was kindof smarting off to Heavenly Father about it. Basically I said "ok, so I have to marry someone to return to you. So point him out. Who is he?" and I started naming random names in the singles ward. I was NOT being serious. But I named a couple people and then I names SD, and I got a yes. Not a little yes, but a YES. And I was like...wait...what? No I was joking... And I still had the yes. So I asked Heavenly Father what I should do with that information and he basically said "nothing". He said to be patient, and work on getting my life in order.
I am not a patient person. If there is ONE thing I am here to learn it's to be patient. AND I know that a "yes" doesn't always mean exactly "yes". Sometimes it means yes you'll be with this person, and sometimes it means yes they'd be a good person to be with, and sometimes it means yes you should ACT like you're going to be with this person because that will take you down a path that will teach you something you need to know.
But just between you and me George, sometimes I really really wish it was just YES. And I really wish SD would get the same message. There was a line in the movie that was something like "this is the first time in 25 years that I haven't felt alone."
Some days I am very tired of being alone. Some days I wish I had someone, even if I had to fight for them.
S
Location:Yes?
Why?
Dear George,
Sorry I haven't written in a few days, I don't really have a reason why not. So...sorry about that.
I have a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about and they're strangely related. Why is it that anything or anyone who is different either has to be an outcast or must be completely wrong? And if it's completely wrong then why do some people feel the need to force other people to agree it's wrong?
You know I am having a little trouble fitting in with my training class at work. I am different. I say what I think, I ask questions, I'm careful not to talk bad about people and it makes me unhappy when other people talk about people negatively, I think people should pay attention when your boss is giving you instructions, I don't curse, I don't drink, and probably many other things I can't think of right now, not all of which are good. I know I can be annoying, I admit it. But I try not to be. And everyone annoys someone else at one time or another.
Thing is, being different shouldn't be a bad thing. If everyone is being themselves, and trying to be a good person then differences make life interesting. So why do I feel more and more ostracized each day? Oh, some days are better than others, but it's a very strange feeling.
And frankly I'm not sure I really WANT to fit in anymore. Do I really want to be "part of a group" that excludes people? I'm not sure. I mean, yes they all have redeeming qualities, and yes they are worth trying to get to know. But if they clearly aren't interested in being friends then why on earth should I spend my time and energy on trying to get to know them?
I need to talk to God about it. I haven't been. I have this terrible habit of talking to everyone else about a problem but not talking to God. That's totally backwards...
And that brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I was surfing YouTube today...by the way, there's some REALLY weird stuff on YouTube. Search for "ear wax" and see what comes up. Just...it's kindof gross so don't do it while you're eating.
Anyways, I'm surfing YouTube and I come across this video about Mormons. Now you know I'm Mormon, so I read the description and it's an anti-Mormon video. I didn't watch that one because frankly it was really really hateful. But a related video was Bill Moyer (I'll check the spelling later) so I watched that one. Apparently he's an atheist, which is fine. But he felt the need to go on national TV not just once but a few times and talk about how "crazy" the Mormon Church is.
My point tonight isn't that the Mormon Church isn't crazy (but it really isn't, but that's for another time), my point is this. Just because he doesn't agree with LDS beliefs he felt he needed to go on TV and ridicule them, to get a laugh out of the audience or whatever it is he wanted.
I'm not saying he was lying about his opinions about the Church, but they're just that. Opinions. He's entitled to his own opinions, and I would defend his right to have his own views against anyone. But I don't think it is morally or socially acceptable to ridicule a belief that is different than your own.
Listen George, I believe that atheists have it wrong, I believe that God does exist and a LOT of other things about Him that I won't get into right now. I believe that people who do not have a relationship with Heavenly Father are missing out on one of the greatest joys this life has to offer. I believe that they may be facing some really sad consequences after this life is over and I really wish they would make different choices.
BUT I also believe with every fiber of my being that those choices are THEIRS to make. That my responsibility is to make sure they know what options are out there, i.e. The facts as I know them, but that once I have done what I can to explain my position then my responsibility ends. I believe that they have a fundamental right to reject those facts if they choose to do so. And I DO NOT have the right to try and "force" them to "see reason" or ridicule their beliefs, whatever they are. I don't have the right to go and protest outside their holy places, to yell at them, to cast judgement upon them and where I think they'll end up. I don't have the right to look down on them, to think they're stupid or foolish for not believing exactly what I believe. And I certainly don't have the right to tell them they're stupid or foolish.
Furthermore, I don't really WANT to do any of that. The only thing worth spending time on in that regard is trying to lovingly help them IF and ONLY IF they are seeking help. If they're not, if they're clearly not interested, they WHY on EARTH would I want to spend my time and energy making fun of them????
I mean seriously, don't people have better things to do with their time? Why do they get so angry and vitriolic? Why are they so interested in tearing down something that doesn't mean anything to them? It would be like me spending hours and hours making fun of baseball. Baseball doesn't factor into my life, I know it's out there, but I don't care for it so I don't think about it very much.
In fact, if I WERE to spend hours and hours making fun of baseball it would ONLY serve to make baseball a bigger part of my life, thereby defeating my purpose of hating baseball...cause I just bring more baseball into my life...
For the record, I don't hate baseball. But I don't like it either. So it's a non factor.
So what's the gratification? What do people get out of it? My only guess is that it makes people feel superior to other people.
Which in itself is the saddest part. Sadder than anything else, even the most hateful things said about the Church. That people do it to feel superior to other people.
When in my belief, and according to the Church, we're ALL sons and daughters of God.
When you know you're a child of God, it kindof takes away the need to feel superior. If people only knew it, they could move on with their lives and spend their time doing something that brings them joy.
So now I'm not upset with that Bill guy anymore. Now I'm just sad, and not in the making fun of him way of being sad. But in the I kindof want to cry way of being sad.
S
Sorry I haven't written in a few days, I don't really have a reason why not. So...sorry about that.
I have a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about and they're strangely related. Why is it that anything or anyone who is different either has to be an outcast or must be completely wrong? And if it's completely wrong then why do some people feel the need to force other people to agree it's wrong?
You know I am having a little trouble fitting in with my training class at work. I am different. I say what I think, I ask questions, I'm careful not to talk bad about people and it makes me unhappy when other people talk about people negatively, I think people should pay attention when your boss is giving you instructions, I don't curse, I don't drink, and probably many other things I can't think of right now, not all of which are good. I know I can be annoying, I admit it. But I try not to be. And everyone annoys someone else at one time or another.
Thing is, being different shouldn't be a bad thing. If everyone is being themselves, and trying to be a good person then differences make life interesting. So why do I feel more and more ostracized each day? Oh, some days are better than others, but it's a very strange feeling.
And frankly I'm not sure I really WANT to fit in anymore. Do I really want to be "part of a group" that excludes people? I'm not sure. I mean, yes they all have redeeming qualities, and yes they are worth trying to get to know. But if they clearly aren't interested in being friends then why on earth should I spend my time and energy on trying to get to know them?
I need to talk to God about it. I haven't been. I have this terrible habit of talking to everyone else about a problem but not talking to God. That's totally backwards...
And that brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I was surfing YouTube today...by the way, there's some REALLY weird stuff on YouTube. Search for "ear wax" and see what comes up. Just...it's kindof gross so don't do it while you're eating.
Anyways, I'm surfing YouTube and I come across this video about Mormons. Now you know I'm Mormon, so I read the description and it's an anti-Mormon video. I didn't watch that one because frankly it was really really hateful. But a related video was Bill Moyer (I'll check the spelling later) so I watched that one. Apparently he's an atheist, which is fine. But he felt the need to go on national TV not just once but a few times and talk about how "crazy" the Mormon Church is.
My point tonight isn't that the Mormon Church isn't crazy (but it really isn't, but that's for another time), my point is this. Just because he doesn't agree with LDS beliefs he felt he needed to go on TV and ridicule them, to get a laugh out of the audience or whatever it is he wanted.
I'm not saying he was lying about his opinions about the Church, but they're just that. Opinions. He's entitled to his own opinions, and I would defend his right to have his own views against anyone. But I don't think it is morally or socially acceptable to ridicule a belief that is different than your own.
Listen George, I believe that atheists have it wrong, I believe that God does exist and a LOT of other things about Him that I won't get into right now. I believe that people who do not have a relationship with Heavenly Father are missing out on one of the greatest joys this life has to offer. I believe that they may be facing some really sad consequences after this life is over and I really wish they would make different choices.
BUT I also believe with every fiber of my being that those choices are THEIRS to make. That my responsibility is to make sure they know what options are out there, i.e. The facts as I know them, but that once I have done what I can to explain my position then my responsibility ends. I believe that they have a fundamental right to reject those facts if they choose to do so. And I DO NOT have the right to try and "force" them to "see reason" or ridicule their beliefs, whatever they are. I don't have the right to go and protest outside their holy places, to yell at them, to cast judgement upon them and where I think they'll end up. I don't have the right to look down on them, to think they're stupid or foolish for not believing exactly what I believe. And I certainly don't have the right to tell them they're stupid or foolish.
Furthermore, I don't really WANT to do any of that. The only thing worth spending time on in that regard is trying to lovingly help them IF and ONLY IF they are seeking help. If they're not, if they're clearly not interested, they WHY on EARTH would I want to spend my time and energy making fun of them????
I mean seriously, don't people have better things to do with their time? Why do they get so angry and vitriolic? Why are they so interested in tearing down something that doesn't mean anything to them? It would be like me spending hours and hours making fun of baseball. Baseball doesn't factor into my life, I know it's out there, but I don't care for it so I don't think about it very much.
In fact, if I WERE to spend hours and hours making fun of baseball it would ONLY serve to make baseball a bigger part of my life, thereby defeating my purpose of hating baseball...cause I just bring more baseball into my life...
For the record, I don't hate baseball. But I don't like it either. So it's a non factor.
So what's the gratification? What do people get out of it? My only guess is that it makes people feel superior to other people.
Which in itself is the saddest part. Sadder than anything else, even the most hateful things said about the Church. That people do it to feel superior to other people.
When in my belief, and according to the Church, we're ALL sons and daughters of God.
When you know you're a child of God, it kindof takes away the need to feel superior. If people only knew it, they could move on with their lives and spend their time doing something that brings them joy.
So now I'm not upset with that Bill guy anymore. Now I'm just sad, and not in the making fun of him way of being sad. But in the I kindof want to cry way of being sad.
S
Saturday, February 26, 2011
My upstairs neighbors
Dear George,
I both love and am annoyed by my upstairs neighbors. I live on the top floor, which you'd think would mean I don't HAVE any upstairs neighbors. But a squirrel family apparently lives in the attic above my bedroom.
I have done my duty and reported it to the apartment complex, but their exterminator didn't find anything. Which actually was a relief. I know which squirrels live up there, I see them all the time. I would feel awful if something happened to them. But at the same time I still had to report them because they can cause a lot of damage. I don't know why the exterminator didn't find them but I'm glad.
So sometimes at night or during the day I hear them, running around, scritchy-scratching, or even talking to each other. I didn't know squirrels talk! But they do. Usually I don't mind. I like the company. And if they do it at night it's not for very long, they usually go to bed pretty early.
It's funny, I guess I never thought about where squirrel families live. Who would have thought they'd live in an apartment??
S
I both love and am annoyed by my upstairs neighbors. I live on the top floor, which you'd think would mean I don't HAVE any upstairs neighbors. But a squirrel family apparently lives in the attic above my bedroom.
I have done my duty and reported it to the apartment complex, but their exterminator didn't find anything. Which actually was a relief. I know which squirrels live up there, I see them all the time. I would feel awful if something happened to them. But at the same time I still had to report them because they can cause a lot of damage. I don't know why the exterminator didn't find them but I'm glad.
So sometimes at night or during the day I hear them, running around, scritchy-scratching, or even talking to each other. I didn't know squirrels talk! But they do. Usually I don't mind. I like the company. And if they do it at night it's not for very long, they usually go to bed pretty early.
It's funny, I guess I never thought about where squirrel families live. Who would have thought they'd live in an apartment??
S
Friday, February 25, 2011
Hope Springs Eternal
Dear George,
I feel like I've spent all my time complaining to you the past few days. Today I'm not going to do it, other than to say that today was a very hard and long day. But I made it through, and it wasn't all bad.
And there's always the chance that tomorrow will be better.
I rode in my coworker's convertible today. It was beautiful. I almost want one, but then I remember I live in a place where it's 100+ most of the year, and down around 30-40 the rest of the time. Other than a week or two of spring and fall, which is perfect weather. But I wouldn't trade my blue skies and sunshine for anything else. Even if it meant I could have a convertible and drive in the sunshine with my hair blowing around my head like it's dancing.
I'm very sleepy and I'm not sure I'm making much sense. So I think I should go to sleep now.
Just one more thing. I saw some buds on the tree outside my bedroom window today. I can't wait until the leaves come in. Living in a third floor apartment has a few perks, and the one that makes up for having to climb all the stairs is that most of the year I get to leave all my blinds open and it feels like I'm living in a tree house. Way high in the sky. And the sunlight comes through the leaves and moves across my living room carpet when the wind blows. Sometimes when it rains I open the windows, and the breeze comes in. And I listen to the rain and the sound of the wind in the trees, and the house smells like rain and growing things.
Spring is coming George. I just know it.
S
I feel like I've spent all my time complaining to you the past few days. Today I'm not going to do it, other than to say that today was a very hard and long day. But I made it through, and it wasn't all bad.
And there's always the chance that tomorrow will be better.
I rode in my coworker's convertible today. It was beautiful. I almost want one, but then I remember I live in a place where it's 100+ most of the year, and down around 30-40 the rest of the time. Other than a week or two of spring and fall, which is perfect weather. But I wouldn't trade my blue skies and sunshine for anything else. Even if it meant I could have a convertible and drive in the sunshine with my hair blowing around my head like it's dancing.
I'm very sleepy and I'm not sure I'm making much sense. So I think I should go to sleep now.
Just one more thing. I saw some buds on the tree outside my bedroom window today. I can't wait until the leaves come in. Living in a third floor apartment has a few perks, and the one that makes up for having to climb all the stairs is that most of the year I get to leave all my blinds open and it feels like I'm living in a tree house. Way high in the sky. And the sunlight comes through the leaves and moves across my living room carpet when the wind blows. Sometimes when it rains I open the windows, and the breeze comes in. And I listen to the rain and the sound of the wind in the trees, and the house smells like rain and growing things.
Spring is coming George. I just know it.
S
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Nerdfighter...maybe?
Dear George,
Do you know what a Nerdfighter is? If not, go on YouTube and search for "what is a nerdfighter?"
The shorthand answer is, someone who wants to decrease worldsuck and increase the awesome level. There doesn't seem to be a particular way someone has to go about it, they can do it however they like.
The Vlogbrothers (founders and leaders of Nerdfighteria) say that if you want to be a Nerdfighter, then you pretty much are. I've decided I want to be one. But I feel that just WANTING to decrease Worldsuck and increase the awesome level doesn't necessarily accomplish anything. I've WANTED to be one for a while, but I haven't noticed a change in the suck/awesome ratio.
Right about now I know you're thinking I'm nuts. I've gone off the nerd deep end, when I usually just paddle around in the kiddie pool. But hear me out. Yes, the idea of Nerdfighters and an imaginary...country? Community? Whatever it is called Nerdfighteria is very silly on the surface. BUT the underlying principles are good. Make the world a better place in a two pronged attack. Decrease the suck, and increase the awesome. And use the power of large numbers of people working together to do it. And have fun in the process. What is silly about that? Well other than intentional silliness just for the joy of it.
And yes, I know that to some people the word "nerd" has negative connotations. But as someone who I can't remember but who is not me once said, a nerd is just someone who is enthusiastic about something and isn't afraid to let people know it. I think one of the Green brothers said it, but i'm not sure. Whoever said it, its actually really cool. In my opinion.
So anyways George, this brings me to my current puzzle. How can I "become" a Nerdfighter?
I'm thinking I'd like to change the ratio in the world, my community, and my life. Here's what I have so far.
For the world, I'm not exactly sure what I'd like to do. I liked the idea of microfinancing even before the vlogbrothers started talking about it, but up until now I haven't really had any extra cash. It's hard to microfinance when you're unemployed. So I've been thinking about that, and I should have a tax refund coming soon. But I'm not sure if I want to do the microfinancing thing. I'm also on a Relay For Life team with the American Cancer society, so I could put a lot of effort into that and increase the world awesome level that way. There are a lot of options, soooo many things need doing around the world. Its kindof paralyzing. I'm thinking I should start small, help microfinance a loan and work on the fundraising for the Cancer Society. And then worry about world peace after that. :-)
You know I used to volunteer with the Red Cross on their Disaster Action Team, and I've been missing that lately so I'm going to see if I can start again. So that will help decrease the suck in my community. And increase the awesome for me personally. Nothing feels better than being able to help someone when everything's going wrong and they don't know what to do.
In my life? Well I ranted to you yesterday about my work thing. So I am trying to figure out how to change that. I've decided a couple things. FIRST I'm going to decide to be happy. Yes, you actually can choose how you feel. Not all the time, but I can act like it until I am. That brings me to my SECOND thing, I'm going to fake it until I make it. If I'm feeling excluded and insecure, fine. No problem. I'm going to act like I'm not. Today I invited myself to lunch with a group from work. It was fine. Granted, I'm still at a loss on what to talk about. But I was there. THIRD? I want to figure out a way to increase the level of happiness in the people around me. I'm still working on that one. I was thinking about anonymous random presents on their desks. Nothing expensive! But something small and silly, maybe a toy to play with on their desks or something. Origami cranes in bright paper. Something to decorate their cubicles with. Little pieces of candy.
Something to make them feel good, you know?
And I think when people feel good it's easier to be nice to other people. And if I do it anonymously then maybe they'll be nice to everyone because they won't know who was nice to them.
So that's what I have today George. Decrease the level of suck, increase the awesome, and feel like I'm a "real" Nerdfighter.
Now if I could just clean my bedroom...I'm in danger of being buried under my laundry...
G'night George.
S
Do you know what a Nerdfighter is? If not, go on YouTube and search for "what is a nerdfighter?"
The shorthand answer is, someone who wants to decrease worldsuck and increase the awesome level. There doesn't seem to be a particular way someone has to go about it, they can do it however they like.
The Vlogbrothers (founders and leaders of Nerdfighteria) say that if you want to be a Nerdfighter, then you pretty much are. I've decided I want to be one. But I feel that just WANTING to decrease Worldsuck and increase the awesome level doesn't necessarily accomplish anything. I've WANTED to be one for a while, but I haven't noticed a change in the suck/awesome ratio.
Right about now I know you're thinking I'm nuts. I've gone off the nerd deep end, when I usually just paddle around in the kiddie pool. But hear me out. Yes, the idea of Nerdfighters and an imaginary...country? Community? Whatever it is called Nerdfighteria is very silly on the surface. BUT the underlying principles are good. Make the world a better place in a two pronged attack. Decrease the suck, and increase the awesome. And use the power of large numbers of people working together to do it. And have fun in the process. What is silly about that? Well other than intentional silliness just for the joy of it.
And yes, I know that to some people the word "nerd" has negative connotations. But as someone who I can't remember but who is not me once said, a nerd is just someone who is enthusiastic about something and isn't afraid to let people know it. I think one of the Green brothers said it, but i'm not sure. Whoever said it, its actually really cool. In my opinion.
So anyways George, this brings me to my current puzzle. How can I "become" a Nerdfighter?
I'm thinking I'd like to change the ratio in the world, my community, and my life. Here's what I have so far.
For the world, I'm not exactly sure what I'd like to do. I liked the idea of microfinancing even before the vlogbrothers started talking about it, but up until now I haven't really had any extra cash. It's hard to microfinance when you're unemployed. So I've been thinking about that, and I should have a tax refund coming soon. But I'm not sure if I want to do the microfinancing thing. I'm also on a Relay For Life team with the American Cancer society, so I could put a lot of effort into that and increase the world awesome level that way. There are a lot of options, soooo many things need doing around the world. Its kindof paralyzing. I'm thinking I should start small, help microfinance a loan and work on the fundraising for the Cancer Society. And then worry about world peace after that. :-)
You know I used to volunteer with the Red Cross on their Disaster Action Team, and I've been missing that lately so I'm going to see if I can start again. So that will help decrease the suck in my community. And increase the awesome for me personally. Nothing feels better than being able to help someone when everything's going wrong and they don't know what to do.
In my life? Well I ranted to you yesterday about my work thing. So I am trying to figure out how to change that. I've decided a couple things. FIRST I'm going to decide to be happy. Yes, you actually can choose how you feel. Not all the time, but I can act like it until I am. That brings me to my SECOND thing, I'm going to fake it until I make it. If I'm feeling excluded and insecure, fine. No problem. I'm going to act like I'm not. Today I invited myself to lunch with a group from work. It was fine. Granted, I'm still at a loss on what to talk about. But I was there. THIRD? I want to figure out a way to increase the level of happiness in the people around me. I'm still working on that one. I was thinking about anonymous random presents on their desks. Nothing expensive! But something small and silly, maybe a toy to play with on their desks or something. Origami cranes in bright paper. Something to decorate their cubicles with. Little pieces of candy.
Something to make them feel good, you know?
And I think when people feel good it's easier to be nice to other people. And if I do it anonymously then maybe they'll be nice to everyone because they won't know who was nice to them.
So that's what I have today George. Decrease the level of suck, increase the awesome, and feel like I'm a "real" Nerdfighter.
Now if I could just clean my bedroom...I'm in danger of being buried under my laundry...
G'night George.
S
Tuesday Feb 22nd
Dear George,
I hate feeling like I'm in high school. You wouldn't expect to feel that way at a professional job, but that's exactly how I feel. For the record, that's not a good feeling. Some people had great high school experiences, my roommate loved it. I was pretty much lucky to make it out of there alive...
But since high school I haven't felt that way at all. You know the feeling I'm talking about? The "I'm outside the group but I wish I was in it and maybe I should do everything I can to impress them so they'll either like me or at least stop picking on me" feeling?
Since high school I either haven't cared what an exclusive group thinks of me or I've been right in the middle of it. Since high school if I ever find myself in the middle I make sure everyone is included. It makes the group bigger, makes it more interesting, and I make sure no one ever has to feel like that. Because that's one of the worst feelings in the world.
The past few years have been kindof strange in that regard. The second I was able to really stop caring what people thought and instead just do what made me happy, people started wanting to hang out. I look up from a conversation sometimes and find myself in the center of a group of people listening in. I send out a text to a bunch of people telling them I'm throwing an "I just lost my job" party, and 20 people show up on a Sunday night to cheer me up.
I am not telling you all this to brag. It's not that I've turned into one of the "in crowd," I'm pretty sure it's just that I make sure there ISN'T an in crowd. And I think people like that and gravitate towards it. That and I tend to make friends with people who feel the same way I do, that people should be included. So we all, consciously or unconsciously make sure we include people.
So it has been a little bit of a rude awakening to be in this class where people don't feel the same way. Its not just that they don't feel that everyone should be included, I could deal with that the way I always do. By including everyone anyways. It's that I'm not included. If I'm one of the ones on the outside, then how do I make sure there's not a clique?
It's not just that. It's also that I guess I got used to being part of the group, and if I am perfectly honest with myself it kindof hurts my feelings that I'm not. Which doesn't make ANY sense at all!!!! The main people that exclude me are not people I would normally choose to hang out with anyways. They curse a LOT, F bombs everywhere, they're interested in shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, their values are completely different from mine. I don't curse (frankly, on the rare occasion I have in the past people have laughed because it was so ridiculous), we have a TV but it's only hooked up to the DVD player. And if we DID have cable the LAST thing I'd watch is Jersey Shore or Teen Mom. If people like those shows, that's fine. But I'm not interested in them and I really wouldn't even know how to hold a conversation about them.
If you want to talk about the political situation in Egypt, or what may happen with the succession in North Korea, I can talk about it. If you want to talk about shows like Glee or NCIS, Numbers or Supernatural, I can talk about it. If you want to talk about books, I can do that for hours. Football, golf, I can hold my own. Video games, I have an opinion. Music, I'm not really really good at, but I can usually keep up with the conversation. Running or biking, rock climbing or camping, I can talk about it.
But when the conversation consists of your most recent fight with your live in boyfriend or girlfriend, drinking, reality TV, your kids (I like kids, but since I don't have any of my own it can be hard to stay engaged in the discussion), rap music (I like it, I just don't really have much to say), cars, how annoying/lazy/stupid the opposite sex is (either sex), etc etc...I don't really have anything to say.
Not only do I not have anything to say, but with a lot of those topics I isolate myself with my beliefs and values.
I will NEVER tell someone else how they should live their lives. I'm still trying to figure out my own! But when the conversation turns to a topic I have chosen not to include in my life, I don't have anything to contribute. And if people ask me my opinion I flat out tell them I don't have one because I don't drink/smoke/curse/have premarital sex/etc... I'm not ashamed of my choices. I'm pretty open about everything. But I'm also pretty careful to make sure people know that these are MY choices. That they are free to make different ones, and that's fine with me.
Ever since I joined the Church I've heard people talk about how sometimes we have to make choices that isolate us from other people, and how hard that can be. Now I'm wondering if maybe that's not part of what's happening in class?
I don't think it's all of it though. How do I respond in a professional adult way to another adult when they are acting like an adolescent? How do I say to them "Please stop making fun of me in class?" or "Please stop making fun of other people in class?"
I don't have the answer George. And that's the worst part. I am so unsure of myself around these people that I don't know how to act to fix it. A month ago I would have known what to do. Just the right thing to say or the right look to give them to shut them down and remind them they're an adult. Now I just don't know.
If I could figure out how to be myself again, then it would all work itself out. I'm just all tangled up now. How do I get untangled?
S
I hate feeling like I'm in high school. You wouldn't expect to feel that way at a professional job, but that's exactly how I feel. For the record, that's not a good feeling. Some people had great high school experiences, my roommate loved it. I was pretty much lucky to make it out of there alive...
But since high school I haven't felt that way at all. You know the feeling I'm talking about? The "I'm outside the group but I wish I was in it and maybe I should do everything I can to impress them so they'll either like me or at least stop picking on me" feeling?
Since high school I either haven't cared what an exclusive group thinks of me or I've been right in the middle of it. Since high school if I ever find myself in the middle I make sure everyone is included. It makes the group bigger, makes it more interesting, and I make sure no one ever has to feel like that. Because that's one of the worst feelings in the world.
The past few years have been kindof strange in that regard. The second I was able to really stop caring what people thought and instead just do what made me happy, people started wanting to hang out. I look up from a conversation sometimes and find myself in the center of a group of people listening in. I send out a text to a bunch of people telling them I'm throwing an "I just lost my job" party, and 20 people show up on a Sunday night to cheer me up.
I am not telling you all this to brag. It's not that I've turned into one of the "in crowd," I'm pretty sure it's just that I make sure there ISN'T an in crowd. And I think people like that and gravitate towards it. That and I tend to make friends with people who feel the same way I do, that people should be included. So we all, consciously or unconsciously make sure we include people.
So it has been a little bit of a rude awakening to be in this class where people don't feel the same way. Its not just that they don't feel that everyone should be included, I could deal with that the way I always do. By including everyone anyways. It's that I'm not included. If I'm one of the ones on the outside, then how do I make sure there's not a clique?
It's not just that. It's also that I guess I got used to being part of the group, and if I am perfectly honest with myself it kindof hurts my feelings that I'm not. Which doesn't make ANY sense at all!!!! The main people that exclude me are not people I would normally choose to hang out with anyways. They curse a LOT, F bombs everywhere, they're interested in shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom, their values are completely different from mine. I don't curse (frankly, on the rare occasion I have in the past people have laughed because it was so ridiculous), we have a TV but it's only hooked up to the DVD player. And if we DID have cable the LAST thing I'd watch is Jersey Shore or Teen Mom. If people like those shows, that's fine. But I'm not interested in them and I really wouldn't even know how to hold a conversation about them.
If you want to talk about the political situation in Egypt, or what may happen with the succession in North Korea, I can talk about it. If you want to talk about shows like Glee or NCIS, Numbers or Supernatural, I can talk about it. If you want to talk about books, I can do that for hours. Football, golf, I can hold my own. Video games, I have an opinion. Music, I'm not really really good at, but I can usually keep up with the conversation. Running or biking, rock climbing or camping, I can talk about it.
But when the conversation consists of your most recent fight with your live in boyfriend or girlfriend, drinking, reality TV, your kids (I like kids, but since I don't have any of my own it can be hard to stay engaged in the discussion), rap music (I like it, I just don't really have much to say), cars, how annoying/lazy/stupid the opposite sex is (either sex), etc etc...I don't really have anything to say.
Not only do I not have anything to say, but with a lot of those topics I isolate myself with my beliefs and values.
I will NEVER tell someone else how they should live their lives. I'm still trying to figure out my own! But when the conversation turns to a topic I have chosen not to include in my life, I don't have anything to contribute. And if people ask me my opinion I flat out tell them I don't have one because I don't drink/smoke/curse/have premarital sex/etc... I'm not ashamed of my choices. I'm pretty open about everything. But I'm also pretty careful to make sure people know that these are MY choices. That they are free to make different ones, and that's fine with me.
Ever since I joined the Church I've heard people talk about how sometimes we have to make choices that isolate us from other people, and how hard that can be. Now I'm wondering if maybe that's not part of what's happening in class?
I don't think it's all of it though. How do I respond in a professional adult way to another adult when they are acting like an adolescent? How do I say to them "Please stop making fun of me in class?" or "Please stop making fun of other people in class?"
I don't have the answer George. And that's the worst part. I am so unsure of myself around these people that I don't know how to act to fix it. A month ago I would have known what to do. Just the right thing to say or the right look to give them to shut them down and remind them they're an adult. Now I just don't know.
If I could figure out how to be myself again, then it would all work itself out. I'm just all tangled up now. How do I get untangled?
S
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, Feb 21st
Dear George,
I know I have never written you before, so this letter is probably a surprise. However I feel that our friendship has progressed to the point that we should be able to talk about anything and everything. I think you probably feel the same way.
I plan on writing to you daily, but you know how I am, consistency is not my strong suit. So I will do my absolute best, and hope that you'll forgive any long silences. You know they don't have anything to do with you.
So today began my 5th week of class at work. I think it's my 5th week...we started in the middle of January so I think I'm right. Class is going well, we are just getting past the book work to learning some hands on stuff today. To be honest, I am really tired of class. I'm really want to start using what we're learning. But I am soooo not ready for that yet. We have 3-4 weeks more before we begin the truly "practical" training, so I have some time.
I'm sure you're not surprised I'm getting tired of class. I've always had trouble with keeping motivated over a semester. Which is going to be a problem in the fall when I start back at school. I am changing my major, did I tell you that? My work will reimburse my tuition if I major in Business. I figure I can still minor in Emergency Administration and Planning. And I can always go back later. The other reason I'm switching is because I cannot be promoted past where I am now if I am not at least working on a degree. I really think this company is where I'm going to be for a long time, and I don't plan on staying in this position for very long.
Don't get me wrong! The job I'm training for is REALLY interesting! Lol, who would have thought that I would be interested in such a dry subject?? But the opportunity to help people on a daily basis, plus the problem solving aspect really appeal to me.
So...after 11 years of wandering around trying to figure out what to major on...it's business. How weird is that??? It's weird George. I'm the one doing it and it's weirding me out.
Beyond that? Well the work schedule right now doesn't allow me to hang out with anyone during the week. I don't get off until late. That's one of the reasons I'd like to be promoted as quickly as possible. Everyone above me works normal business hours. My position is the last one that works evenings. I didn't realize how much going to FHE each week and Institute, and then hanging out with people most of the other nights meant to me. It's an adjustment.
Of course I can always see people on the weekend. This past weekend I made plans with SD for Sat afternoon, and then there was that Whirleyball activity Sat night. But I woke up on Sat and didn't feel like doing anything. Even the thought of a game that involves bumper cars, lacrosse sticks and basketball hoops wasn't enough to pry me out of the house.
So I cancelled with SD. I know! Can you believe it? Had a crush on him forever, had plans for a WHOLE AFTERNOON with him and I cancelled. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, or just coming to grips with the fact that he doesn't feel that way about me. If I accept that he is just a friend, then I treat him like a friend. And I would have cancelled on anyone on Sat. Still, it was surprising.
So then Sun I had Church in the afternoon. It was my week to teach Relief Society. The topic was Service. I think I did a pretty good job. Kindof mediocre for me, but in terms of how good all the classes are it was probably good. Everyone said it was good, BUT I always wonder if that's just something people always say, no matter if it was good or bad.
I know talking like this about a Church calling is...not good. I sound like I am comparing myself with the other teachers and trying to be "better" than they are. And maybe I am. But I think it's more that this calling is perfect for me, and it's something I'm actually good at. And it's something I need for myself too because it makes me research and learn more than I would on my own.
I guess why I feel this lesson wasn't as good was because I didn't put much thought or preparation into it this time. Normally I start thinking about the subject a couple weeks out, and start really researching and preparing the week before. Yes, there's a lesson manual and I could just teach from it verbatim. Some of the teachers do that, and if I am perfectly honest about it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I know that I can do better. Not better than them exactly, but better than myself. Like I know I have the skills and talents to do more, to bring the lesson to life and demonstrate how to apply it to our lives. So if Heavenly Father gave me those specific skills and talents, and then put me in a place where I can use them, then if I don't put forth the effort and do everything I can then it's not a good lesson.
I know what you're going to say. The Holy Spirit can take any lesson and have it speak to someone's heart. And I'm not saying my lesson yesterday didn't speak to people. I'm just saying it didn't feel as alive as it usually does. And I know that's because I didn't really magnify my calling. I just went through the motions. Oh I added a few things, you know me, I can talk. But I wasn't happy with it.
And this is the place where I usually get discouraged. I mean, I gave a mediocre lesson, SD only sees me as a friend (the best friend curse strikes again!), I'm close to hitting the wall at work which means the next couple weeks are going to be hard until I get my second wind, oh! And JC is dating someone, they sat together at Church. Which means he's not a possibility anymore either. Not that I really wanted to date him, err...well I wanted too. But he was glacial, 2 dates in 2 months kindof kills the romance. And I can't even be mad at the girl he's dating, because she's sooooo sweet you just CAN'T be mad at her. Not that I would, I mean he's the one that decided. But I don't really even have the satisfaction of comparing myself favorably with her. Let's face it, if I were a guy I'd date her too.
So...we're back to my idea of an LDS nunnery. Or an old folks home for spinsters. Lol, I'm not giving up on dating. But I'm thinking it might be a good idea to resign myself to the fact there's a real possibility I could be single for a LONG time. I age out of the YSA ward next year, and I've been to some of the Single Adult activities. When you walk in and there are a couple people in power wheelchairs that is not a good sign.
So for now, I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself, and not allowing myself to get too discouraged. Writing letters to you is a start. We'll see what else I come up with.
Love,
S
I know I have never written you before, so this letter is probably a surprise. However I feel that our friendship has progressed to the point that we should be able to talk about anything and everything. I think you probably feel the same way.
I plan on writing to you daily, but you know how I am, consistency is not my strong suit. So I will do my absolute best, and hope that you'll forgive any long silences. You know they don't have anything to do with you.
So today began my 5th week of class at work. I think it's my 5th week...we started in the middle of January so I think I'm right. Class is going well, we are just getting past the book work to learning some hands on stuff today. To be honest, I am really tired of class. I'm really want to start using what we're learning. But I am soooo not ready for that yet. We have 3-4 weeks more before we begin the truly "practical" training, so I have some time.
I'm sure you're not surprised I'm getting tired of class. I've always had trouble with keeping motivated over a semester. Which is going to be a problem in the fall when I start back at school. I am changing my major, did I tell you that? My work will reimburse my tuition if I major in Business. I figure I can still minor in Emergency Administration and Planning. And I can always go back later. The other reason I'm switching is because I cannot be promoted past where I am now if I am not at least working on a degree. I really think this company is where I'm going to be for a long time, and I don't plan on staying in this position for very long.
Don't get me wrong! The job I'm training for is REALLY interesting! Lol, who would have thought that I would be interested in such a dry subject?? But the opportunity to help people on a daily basis, plus the problem solving aspect really appeal to me.
So...after 11 years of wandering around trying to figure out what to major on...it's business. How weird is that??? It's weird George. I'm the one doing it and it's weirding me out.
Beyond that? Well the work schedule right now doesn't allow me to hang out with anyone during the week. I don't get off until late. That's one of the reasons I'd like to be promoted as quickly as possible. Everyone above me works normal business hours. My position is the last one that works evenings. I didn't realize how much going to FHE each week and Institute, and then hanging out with people most of the other nights meant to me. It's an adjustment.
Of course I can always see people on the weekend. This past weekend I made plans with SD for Sat afternoon, and then there was that Whirleyball activity Sat night. But I woke up on Sat and didn't feel like doing anything. Even the thought of a game that involves bumper cars, lacrosse sticks and basketball hoops wasn't enough to pry me out of the house.
So I cancelled with SD. I know! Can you believe it? Had a crush on him forever, had plans for a WHOLE AFTERNOON with him and I cancelled. I'm not sure if I'm depressed, or just coming to grips with the fact that he doesn't feel that way about me. If I accept that he is just a friend, then I treat him like a friend. And I would have cancelled on anyone on Sat. Still, it was surprising.
So then Sun I had Church in the afternoon. It was my week to teach Relief Society. The topic was Service. I think I did a pretty good job. Kindof mediocre for me, but in terms of how good all the classes are it was probably good. Everyone said it was good, BUT I always wonder if that's just something people always say, no matter if it was good or bad.
I know talking like this about a Church calling is...not good. I sound like I am comparing myself with the other teachers and trying to be "better" than they are. And maybe I am. But I think it's more that this calling is perfect for me, and it's something I'm actually good at. And it's something I need for myself too because it makes me research and learn more than I would on my own.
I guess why I feel this lesson wasn't as good was because I didn't put much thought or preparation into it this time. Normally I start thinking about the subject a couple weeks out, and start really researching and preparing the week before. Yes, there's a lesson manual and I could just teach from it verbatim. Some of the teachers do that, and if I am perfectly honest about it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I know that I can do better. Not better than them exactly, but better than myself. Like I know I have the skills and talents to do more, to bring the lesson to life and demonstrate how to apply it to our lives. So if Heavenly Father gave me those specific skills and talents, and then put me in a place where I can use them, then if I don't put forth the effort and do everything I can then it's not a good lesson.
I know what you're going to say. The Holy Spirit can take any lesson and have it speak to someone's heart. And I'm not saying my lesson yesterday didn't speak to people. I'm just saying it didn't feel as alive as it usually does. And I know that's because I didn't really magnify my calling. I just went through the motions. Oh I added a few things, you know me, I can talk. But I wasn't happy with it.
And this is the place where I usually get discouraged. I mean, I gave a mediocre lesson, SD only sees me as a friend (the best friend curse strikes again!), I'm close to hitting the wall at work which means the next couple weeks are going to be hard until I get my second wind, oh! And JC is dating someone, they sat together at Church. Which means he's not a possibility anymore either. Not that I really wanted to date him, err...well I wanted too. But he was glacial, 2 dates in 2 months kindof kills the romance. And I can't even be mad at the girl he's dating, because she's sooooo sweet you just CAN'T be mad at her. Not that I would, I mean he's the one that decided. But I don't really even have the satisfaction of comparing myself favorably with her. Let's face it, if I were a guy I'd date her too.
So...we're back to my idea of an LDS nunnery. Or an old folks home for spinsters. Lol, I'm not giving up on dating. But I'm thinking it might be a good idea to resign myself to the fact there's a real possibility I could be single for a LONG time. I age out of the YSA ward next year, and I've been to some of the Single Adult activities. When you walk in and there are a couple people in power wheelchairs that is not a good sign.
So for now, I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself, and not allowing myself to get too discouraged. Writing letters to you is a start. We'll see what else I come up with.
Love,
S
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